This year's Christmas wasn't what as great as what I had in mind. Perhaps it is due to the high expectation that I already preconceived in my mind, that it being unfulfilled, led to this subtle disappointment. Partly because the bible said we should move on from glory to glory, but in my most sincere opinion, last year's Christmas was much better.

For example, I think the drama last year was more enjoyable and touching, possibly captivating enough for it to be stored in my limited memory space.

My family and I had Christmas dinner last year too, but due to various reasons from each of them, we had none this year.

Nevertheless, this year has been a terrific year for me! =)

Since I'm going for chalet on 31 dec to 2nd jan, this will probably be my last post. I'm going to follow the crowd and just do some reflections.

5 most memorable moments/things of the year:

1. Playing as a keyboardist for Inspire camp
2. Ushering for 10 sessions during Asia conference
3. Taking the Student Leader pledge in front of the whole school
4. Keeping a secret that only some people know
5. Being a 'home alone' for 2 weeks

5 most tramautic moments of the year:

1. Just today, Edwin squeezed salt on my ulcers with the good intention of curing it.
2. Getting blasted by the teacher-in charge during a camp. (In my school, blasted means getting scolded real bad, till you want to emo)
3. Oral presentation for project work. 40% weightage!!
4. Finding out I didn't get into my first choice for O level. But thank God I didn't, cause I love my school now. =)
5. I can't really think of any more, hahaha. Is this traumatic enough? =X

5 things that I want to do but didn't manage to do it:

1. Getting straight As for promos
2. Lose 5kg and become slim
3. Stop playing Dota and start studying
4. Buy lots of clothes so that WCWL will not keep 'suan-ing' me
5. Sleep at least 8 hours every day

Compared to 2007, 2008 is definitely a year of many breakthroughs. I broke out of my comfort zone and being to talk to strangers. I traveled around Singapore and been to many places that would have been commonplace for people to go there, but unnatural for me. I brought my friends to church, cause I'm not afraid of what they say about me now, unlike my secondary life, when I wasn't really a 'weekday' christian. Not saying that I did anything malevolent, but I didn't build any true friendships with anyone there, which I now regret.

I'm so satisfied with 2008 that I even hoped to live in 2008 forever, that time will just repeat itself again and again, like a treadmill. But I know, 2009 is going to be even greater.

2009 is going to be a year of trials for me. Studying for A level and going to church, taking care of my connect group, building stronger friendships with people, etc. But 'what doesn't kill you will make you stronger', so I believe I will emerge stronger! I'll just take it as a pre-training for NS.

The toughest thing to do now is the transition from the holidays to school days. I'm seriously used to sleeping late and waking up late for the whole holiday. If this continues, I will fall asleep during lectures and there goes my studies. Maybe I should buy some sleeping pills, lol.

Gonna collect my cheque for the survey I did last month tomorrow. Better go to bed soon.

Looking forward to thanksgiving party this wednesday! Feel so privileged to be part of the planning committe and being able to play the keyboard. Furthermore, it is going to be in my house so I'm gonna be the host!! Yea so cool! ^^

Edwin said I lead games like Gou Wei, then all of them laughed. Don't know why, but I just feel like I'm a hot target to have scandals with guys. Sound so wrong, lol. At least this will prevent me from being in a scandal with any girls, but certain things are inevitable.

2009 whether you are ready or not, here I come!!!

Astarmist

Merry Christmas!!!!

Short and sweet =D

Astarmist

It seems I have a tendacy to post in the wee hours of the day, lol. I guess that explains why I'm suffering from slight insomnia during this holiday. It might sound weird to say that I'm afraid of sleeping, but I'm really afraid of lying on the bed and not being able to fall asleep. So I make sure I'm super super super tired before I go to sleep. Best way to do so: Play Dota, lol. =X

Had 'My Hope' today at my house with my connect group, woo! It is cool to be the host for once, lol. 3 new friends came, praise the Lord! =) Edwin was there to oversee everything. I shared my testimony and so did Edwin. After that, I showed everyone my 'wife'-my new keyboard!

Edwin allowed me to play the keyboard for thanksgiving party, yay!!! I'm super excited and will practice like crazy le, haha. I'm slowly getting closer and closer to my dream. Yea, step by step, one step at a time. Slow and steady wins the race.

I invited my classmates/cca mates for Christmas but most of them rejected me due to various reasons. Nevertheless, I'll not be dishearted. JJC will have revival!!! I also found out that most of them have been mugging during the holidays. I got 100 pages of chemistry homework, 1 super long econs tutorial and 5 stacks of physics papers. And the 'best' of all is, I haven't lift my fingers to touch any of them yet. They said they took at least 3 weeks, so I guess I won't be able to complete them. In conclusion, don't do anything at all, lol. Probably after this year will I have sufficient time to revise my work. Just let me enjoy the remaining days of 2008 in peace =).

I told CC this year is a year of breakthroughs for me, cause there are many 1st time/2nd time this year. Shall make a list now with my limited memory.

1. First time going to Vivocity
2. First time eating Laksa
3. Second time going to Davis' guitar
4. Second time going to Orchard
5. First time playing keyboard on stage
6. First time telling someone I like a girl (I may sound like a gay, but I'm 100% not)
7. First time someone share his/her secrets with me
8. First time being in a leadership position in school
9. First time making friends from other CG
10. First time being a 'Home Alone' for 2 weeks
11. First time going to Lot1 (today in fact!)
12. First time scolding my friend for his mistakes
13. First time stepping down due to busyness in school
14. First time playing truant
15. First time asking a girl for her number
16. First time leading a prayer meeting
17. First time having so much fun in my life =)

And many others which I can't think of at the moment.

Being a Christian has certainly made my life so much brighter, exciting, colourful and adventurous. I must really thank my CGL and w453 for changing me so much. If not for them, I would just be a nerdy guy going to school everyday just to study, not having such wonderful life experiences; a living example of a frog in a well.

I'm looking forward to 2009 already. This year is definitely the best year of my life yet. =)

Astarmist

Time to update my blog =)

First and foremost, my parents came back from Israel on 13 dec. No more 'home alone', hehe =D. They bought some native products and mementos like a golden bell with the word 'Jerusalem' on it. Too bad they didn't buy much food, cause they said they didn't really went shopping. It will be a lie to say I didn't miss them, but it was quite 'shiok' to experience freedom for 2 weeks, especially when there is no one to nag at me when I sleep at 4am, wahahahaa ^^.

Secondly, I want to thank God for all the blessings he have gave me for this month.

My mother just blessed me with a keyboard this morning! Woohoo!!! I've been wanting to buy a keyboard for more than 6 months, and finally I got it!! Yay!!!

This keyboard cost $536.75, together with the stand, pedal and bag.

Isn't she beautiful?? I hearby pronounce this keyboard as my wife, lol. I'm gonna spend lots of time with it, hahaha. And it came just at the right time, cause I'm thinking of proposing to Edwin that I want to play the keyboard for thanksgiving party, hehe. =X

Lastly, my CG is selling hand-made mirrors. All proceeds will go to CHCSA.

This following link will direct you to the blog-shop we have created.

http://w453-biz.blogspot.com/

Do visit it and order anything that you desire =).

Personally I have ordered a customized mirror, which I made it on my own too, other than the name, which was done by angel.

Looking forward to this saturday's candlelight service and 'My hope' on sunday at my house =P. The next 2 weeks are gonna be packed with lots of activities, but I daresay this month is the best month of the year for me.

Christmas, how will it be like for me this year? I hope it will be something unique and different =)

Astarmist

Will be away this wednesday night till friday afternoon for EG chalet.

Anything just call/sms me but I might not be bringing my phone with me everywhere I go.

Checking sms at every midnight.

Thats all =)

3 more days

Astarmist

It has been 2 weeks since I last posted, and many things have took place in my life. Many are just passing moments, few will be etched in my mind.

The one that is affecting me the greatest is probably my parents being overseas. They flew to Isreal on 1 Dec for a pilgrimage trip, will be coming back on 13 Dec. I don't know about the general relationship between youth and their parents nowadays, but I'm really close to my parents, especially my father.

Last Father's day, the church organised a 'Know your father' competition and my father and I won the 1st prize-$50 capital land voucher =). Even my mother was stunned when they asked for favourite food. My father and I wrote the same answer, then everyone 'wow-ed', haha. I know of dysfunctional families without the love of their parents from reading books, from personal recounts and self observations, but will never truly understand what it is like to be in such a family.

Thank you God for giving me such wonderful parents, albeit their imperfection, still longed to make my world a perfect one.

I'm gonna skip the part of being lonely cause it is inevitable that we will be alone at a specific point of our life. We can't expect people to always be around us at our beck and call. Take for example studying oveseas, which should be self-explanatory =P.

I can still recall when I was younger, I always wished to live in a mansion alone, with all the modern facilities, swimming pool, spa, etc. Then no one will be able to control me and I can do everything freely. But, I guess this 2 weeks will change my mindset irrevocably.

Time is a phantom. It seems ethereal, yet it is so real we can feel it moving. Nobody notices it, for it moves with the slightest step, like a burglar tip-toeing in its victim's house. Even though it flies, yet it is still able to move stealthily.

It is already the month of december, one more month to 2009. I can't believe it. It seemed like the first day of school was only yesterday. This year is a year of 'first-times', which I will share more in the next post.

Can't wait for Christmas to come, Christmas turkey!!! =D Where my treasure is, there my heart is also. Hahahaha. Turkey is super expensive but I'm ready to beg my parents to buy one, lol.

And finally, I completed 'Gifts of the Holy Spirit' Bible Study after I have not taken bible study for 1 year and 3 months since O levels! Wooo, sense of accomplishment! ^^

6 more days to my parents' return. First time in my whole life I'm thanking God for my baby brother. On usual occasion he is imba irritating and imba crybaby and many many many more, Edwin will also agree with me. But for these 2 weeks, either my mind has somehow gone bonkers, or he has transformed slightly without my parents being at home. Anyhow both suits me fine, wahahaa. I'm willing to be crazy for 2 weeks in order for him to change, lol.

To the readers out there, pardon me for the long post (actually you should thank me, cause it was even longer and I deleted like 5 paragraphs =X ).

The next post would be even longer, cause I doubt I'll be posting till after christmas.

So, Merry Christmas in advance!!! =D

Astarmist

I forgot I took some photos during AC, cause only had chance to take some during the finale as I had been serving for all the rest of the sessions.

I'm not a 'camwhorer', so just a few photos =).

Gordon and I. 'N' represents the 'Neo' family =D

'U'sher and 'S'ecurity combined!

Ashley and I. 'D' for Dota!! We love to Dota together =)

Haha thats all.

Just read an email my friend sent to me, and I think it is the best email I've ever read about the reality of God.

A VERY INTERESTING CONVERSATION

An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, the ALMIGHTY. He asked one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .

Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor : So, you Believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD Good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?

Student : Yes.

Professor : My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.

But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent )

Professor : You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella.

Is GOD Good?

Student : Yes.

Professor : Is Satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor : Where does Satan come from ?

Student : From . . . GOD . . .

Professor : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?

Student : Yes.

Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor : So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer)

Professor : Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?

All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor : So, who Created them ?

(Student had no answer)

Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe
the World around you.

Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor : Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Professor : Yet you still Believe in HIM?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol,

Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith.

Professor : Yes,Faith. And that is the Problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?

Professor : Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as Cold?

Professor : Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn't.

(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events )

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega
Heat, White Heat, a Little Heat or No Heat.

But we don't have anything called Cold.

We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go
any further after that.

There is no such thing as Cold.

Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat.

We cannot Measure Cold.

Heat is Energy.

Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

(There was Pin-Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )

Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?

Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir.

Darkness is the Absence of Something.

You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . . But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called
Darkness, isn't it?

In reality, Darkness isn't.

If it is, you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you?

Professor : So what is the point you are making, Young Man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed.

Professor : Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.

You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD
and a Bad GOD.

You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something
we can measure.

Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought.

It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully
understood either one.

To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.

Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it

Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved
from a Monkey?

Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of
course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument was going )

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and Cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor,

Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir?

Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?

(The Class was in Uproar )

Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's Brain?

(The Class broke out into Laughter )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's Brain,
Felt it, touched or smelt it? . . .

No one appears to have done so.

So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable,
Demonstrable Protocol,

Science says that You have No Brain, sir.

With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?

(The Room was Silent. The Professor stared at the Student, his face unfathomable)

Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.

Student : That is it sir . . . Exactly !

The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.

That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving.

That student was Albert Einstein.

Wow, super good email. Even as a person who loves Science very much, God is after all the one who created Science. One may argue that the brain can be seen, felt, and touched if you cut the person's head up. But for that to happen, the person must be dead.

Well, you can also see, feel and touch God once you go to heaven, provided you die first. But once you die, there is no turning back, haha. Anyway, we CAN feel God even if we are alive, in the presence of God.

We can't see pain, we can't hear pain, we can't smell pain, we can't taste pain, but we can feel pain. Certain things need to be seen, when certain things need to be felt. I believe God is someone(not thing) that we can feel.

Hope this will help boost your faith and understanding about God. =)

Astarmist

I'm back from Asia Conference 2008!!!!

Actually I was back at 12.30am, but my friends jio me to play Dota with them, haha. 6 days without playing Dota, record sia, hahahahah. =D

Asia Conference was great, but I believe that there is still rooms for improvement. A lot of mistakes happened during the first day by my ministry. I think other ministry might have made mistakes too. But like what Thomas Edison said, 'There is no such thing as failure, just learning experience', we can learn a lot from the mistakes we made. Furthermore, this is the first time we have Asia Conference, so mistakes are somewhat inevitable. But praise God! It is not how we started, but how we finished. The finale is super duper imba hyper good!!! I love the 'bursting balloons' part =D.

I think I served for almost all the sessions except the finale. As a result, I felt sick due to exhaustion and dehydration and perhaps other unknown causes. When Pst.Bernard was preaching, I had difficulty breathing and almost fainted 3-4 times, if Chao Chung hadn't woke me up. I had a flu and my interior left ear and blocked by mucus, which was extremely uncomfortable and annoying. As I am typing this, it is still blocked, but I'm trying my best to ignore it, lol. At least I get to experience the life of a partially deaf person till I recover, so I can empathize with them. =)

I'm gonna miss Expo again, all the ushers there, the zones, the logis, the food, the stalls, the congregation, everything.

Looking forward to Asia Conference 2010, but I'll be in the army at that time. Nevermind, at least I got to experience the inaugural Asia Conference 2008! ^^

Time to sleep now, in order to recuperate and make up for all the lost sleep the previous 6 days.

Astarmist
Missing her very much~

Just came back from Benny Hinn's session and it was great! I think every session during the Asia Conference is just splendid. The sermon Pst. Kong preached on friday is one that I have never heard of during my 5 years in City Harvest Church and it was so inspiring. Even though I'm tired and have a slight flu, but it is totally worth it, to sacrifice 5 days of my life for this conference =). I'm excited for tomorrow, as Pst.Zhuang will be ordained and become a reverend! Tomorrow is the grand finale too, and I think there will be party poppers, wahahah =D

I've been asking God that I want to see him face to face, to see Jesus, the son of God, like what Benny has said. I used to think about this question, 'What if you've seen God face to face, and you backslide? Wouldn't it have been such a pity?' But when Pst.Benny said that once you've encounter God so personally, backsliding isn't even something to bother about. Then what about Adam? Adam haven't sin yet when God created him, so he was able to see God face to face, as the people in the old testament can't do that because God is too holy and anything that has sin will be destroyed in the face of him. But, how come Adam still sinned after seeing God face to face? Maybe sinning and backsliding is different, I don't know, lol.

Walking back from the MRT station to home, God reminded me this verse. Matthew 22:14 says 'For many are called, but few are chosen.' Now what is the difference between the 'many' and 'few'? The bible didn't describe quanlitatively, but qualitatively. I think the best example is Pst.Phil's 'calling' the specific people to the stage for anoiting. When he called the people, he called them in their identity(I.e which country they are from). I believe God will also call us according to the roles we play in the body of christ. 'are called' is in perfect present tense, which means God is still calling people every single day! So this is the example of the 'many'. God is doing a mighty work right now and in the future to come.

Pst.Phil didn't lay hands on everyone. He only chose particular people to pray for. Now this are the 'few' that the bible is saying. Why are these 'many' and 'few' contrasting terms used? Because not 'all' will be called, and not 'all' will be chosen. But notice, you must first be called, before you can be chosen. If the delegates are not willing to go to the stage in the first place, they won't be able to be laid hands upon at all, as I doubt Pst. Phil will walk down the stage to lay hands on the people.

So what kind of people does God call and choose? Anyone, who is willing to pay the 'price' Benny was talking about. For me, the 'price' that I will have to pay for is time. I'm not rich, so leaving my wealth behind will not be a price. I'm not in a relationship, so that isn't a price either. As a youth with a long life ahead, time is the only thing I have. I pray that as I sacrifice my time to God, he will multiply it and I will be able to do great and mighty exploits for him. Amen! =)

Astarmist

Wow, this is the first blogskin that I really spent a considerable amount of time to choose. Chose this after browsing through more than 20 blogskins. =)

For the past few weeks, I have been watching Slam Dunk, Death and One piece anime online in the early morning. Then my parents were quite angry with me initially, but since I'm having my holidays, they just allowed me to do so, haha. I have a great interest to learn Japanese since I was young, after being influenced by my dad. He went to Japan for 8 months to learn Japanese!
Speaking of my dad, he is an awesome man; he is multilingual. He can speak English, Mandrain, Hokkien, Japanese, Tagalog, Malay, Tamil and German. And it is not just a few sentences. That time when I went out with him for dinner, he was chatting with a Filipino and he said that my father speaks better than the native people! Same goes for Japanese, Malay and Tamil.

Edwin preached about communication during CG last week, and I think there is no greater communicator I know alive than my dad. He got a lot of connection and likes to communicate with people. I don't know if this skill comes with age, but apparently I see that people with greater experience in life knows how to communicate better. For me, I'm limited to topics like Dota, Maths, Food, Music...

Anyway, Asia Conference is starting this wednesday and I've never look forward to something so much before! I just received the 'Iserve' black shirt last week, given by my dearest Pin De Kor Kor =D. So from wednesday to friday I'll be wearing that shirt, wahhahaha. Benny Hinn is coming on saturday too! Those who know him, will be expecting a great movement of God during the conference. Thats why I'm not going to serve on Saturday and Sunday =P.

Lastly, I'm finally out of the mess I so willingly and unknowingly got myself into. No more street surveying in the future, unless circumstances leave me no choice. But I still want to work. Went to IMM with Danny yesterday and saw all the clothes, shoes, bag, etc. I need $$ to buy all these, so I must earn $$ asap-Christmas is coming soon! Have to buy presents for people, need $$ to do so. No money no talk, but money can't buy everything either. So, I have to make do without money for now, lol.

Won't be posting for quite some time due to Asia Conference, Study plans and blah blah blah...

At least I know that there are some people reading my post now, cause all the while I thought I'm writing for my own enjoyment =D.

Astarmist

I don't know where I heard this sentence before, 'Be careful of what you wish for; you might get what you wished.' Now the sentence is becoming a reality in my life.

Firstly, I wished for a job. More than just wishing for it, I prayed for a job too. And I really got a job as a street surveyor. Initially, I thought it would be fun and simple. The impression of a street surveyor in my mind is totally different from what I am supposed to do in my job. I thought that street surveying means going to people in the street and asking them do fill up a survey form. But, it was totally opposite.

For my job, I had to ask the people to do retails survey form, which means asking customers coming out of a retail shop that I have been assigned by the company. I had to hide like a turtle in its shell and sneak around like a thief/ninja. I think more than 50 people rejected me. It was really demoralising, as I thought that the people would be kind enough to spare 5 minutes of their time. I guess I'm the only guy willing to take flyers from people and accepting to do survey for people. I thought that we should do unto others what we want others to do unto us? Why didn't those people want to do my survey? Maybe I'm just too unattractive. I'm reckon that if Jay Chou went to do the survey, I think he can complete 10000 forms in 1 hour.

And the worst part I hate about my job is, I have to lie. I hate hate hate hate hate lying!!!! The company tell me to tell the people that I'm doing a school project and to act blur, not to reveal anything about the company. I got caught by the staff and I lied to them. I told them I didn't know which company sent me. They threathened to capture me(I wonder how they are going to do that, maybe use poke ball?). Although it is not illegal, still, I don't want to do anything against my conscience, behaving like a stalker and stuff like that.

Anything for money, except for one condition. Clean toliets? No problem. Eat faeces? Pay me 1 million dollars first. Lie and behave like a stalker? Give me 1 googol dollars also don't want.

I still need to earn quite a sum for my building fund. God please bless me with a decent job. Waiter, flyers, toliet cleaner, data entry, camp instructor. Not stalker/PI.

It has been quite some time after my last post. Lots of things have happened since 3 November. It will be one of my longest post.

4 nov
Didn't go to morning prayer meeting as I had Oral Presentation. Sadly, this is the only day which I couldn't make it, if not I would have gone for all, lol. My group mates were unanimously calling my hp at 6am to ensure that I have woken up. Being the person possessing the laptop for the project work, their grades entirely depend on me. So it is a somewhat huge responsibility for me, and I don't really like that very much. Unnecessary responsibility isn't what I seek for, unless I am really bored or 'chi bao fan mei shi zuo' =X.
We rehearsed for OP for the past 1 month, and I can memorise 6 pages of my script(total 8 pages). The last 2 pages was added 1 day before the OP, so I didn't really have time to memorise that.

We were the first group to present, and that means there wouldn't be any preparation time for us, unlike the other 4 groups after us. I practically thaw the night to complete the video and slides, transfer them to the laptop and wrote out my own script on cue cards. So I looked like a zombie(especially one from Resident Evil) when I reached school. I was afraid that it will affect my performance initally, but guess that looks won't affect my grades; maybe it will make them laugh instead, lol.

So we set up everything and started. I was the 3rd speaker, and was feeling nervous when the 1st speaker and 2nd speaker were talking. I know I shouldn't feel nervous, it is only a group of less than 10 people. But no matter what I said to my mind, my body just rejected that fact. Then it was my turn to speak. So I just regurgitate all that I have memorised for the past 1 month. Surprisingly, I was calm and even managed to control the speed of my speech, unlike some of my classmates who were speaking like a rapper, lol. Then, when I reached the last slide of my presentation, I blanked out.

Oh no! The last 2 pages of my script! What...is...it...? Panic immediately overwhelmed me. My whole body started to shiver and my hands were shaking. It was so obvious that the cue cards I was holding began to vibrate without any form of control. I also began to stutter and pronounce a few words wrongly. In my mind I thought, game over...

Then it was Q&A session. When I heard what the examiner asked the 1st and 2nd speaker, I was stunned. They only ask 1 questions, unlike our rehearsal when our teacher would ask 2-3 questions, and the questions are those that require inference and deduction. In my weary state of mind, how can I possibly think of infering and duducing?

But thank God, they ask a question which I was already prepared for, as my group tried spotting questions and I have prepared 7 questions in mind. So it was a breeze for Q&A session =).

After that, my friends told me that I did really well for the first 3 minutes, but kept looking at my cue cards and made some mistakes during the last 1.5 minutes. That means I would be penalised then. I thought I could hide it from the examiners, lol.

5 nov
Submission of I&R and officially the last day for PW. A extremely huge burden that was lifted off from me. I really detest PW. Not that I don't like working with people, but it is completely irrelevant to the education system. Does it mean that if you fail PW, you can't work with people? Ridiculous. Some people work well with a particular group of people, others don't. It is like the lock and key theory of enzymes. Not every specific key will fit a specific lock. So, if someone can't work with a group of people, how can you conclude that that person can't work well with everyone? That is why PW will be removed from the JC system next year. Too bad, if only I'm born one year later. Then I wouldn't have to go through 7 months of hellish experience.

6-7 nov
Been to morning prayer meeting on my own. Now I know that even if I walk alone, I will still follow God. Nothing can take him away from me. Even if my parents backslide, I will still follow. Even if the pastors, cgl, cgc all backslide, or even if the girl I like backslide, I will still follow. Even if the whole world backslide, I will still follow. Been praying for more faith, more faith, more faith...Don't want to depend on mathematical calculations and scenario analysing before I make my decision. If God says it, just do it. Nike is just a copycat, if you know what I mean.

8 nov
Edwin came to my house to practise for praise and workship for CG ^^! He told me he wanted to be creative, and I'll be playing the keyboard for the CG. I was super duper excited when he said that, cause I have always wanted to play the keyboard for the CG, since W146 time, when I was sec 3. We had a great time practising, and it was faster than I thought. Then he went to cut his hair while I bathed and we went to church together.

There was a pre-service praying meeting in B4, and I was ushering. I think that week was one of the most rushed serving ever. The doors were opened even before we laid the bulletins and prayer lists. Then it was very messy, so counting the people was arduous. And since it was a prayer meeting, the people were allowed to flow inside South 1,2 and 3. That means that Alpha will have a lot of loopholes. I was running helter skelter trying to fish for people. Worst of all, the first row had 4 empty seats! It will be super obvious to the pastors, ahhh!!! I was praying in tongues and fishing for people at the same time, lol.

Once again, God intervened. The seats were filled up unknowingly by an usher Ic, and I only knew that after I went back to check. So my zone didn't have any loopholes in the end =). But during the sermon, I was so tired due to lack of sleep and doze off around...10 times? Really felt guilty, especially when he looked at my direction. At least I was able to grasp the gist of the message, haha.

Then after service went bible study. I really like my bible study teacher, Jairus. He doesn't just teach according to the books, but gives illustration and crack jokes too, making the lesson interacting and engaging. If a teacher only says what is written on the book, then the student might as well just go buy a teachers' edition and fill in the blanks. I had a teachers' edition of my maths textbook, and I'm able to learn even without a teacher's help. So if the teacher doesn't give extra notes or examples, it will be pointless. This is definitely a lesson learnt for me, if I ever be a teacher/tutor in the future.

9 nov
Usually I will oversleep and take the cab to CG, but today is an exception. Too excited till I woke up at 7am instead of 8am, the time I set the alarm. Went to wash up, get ready, eat breakfast, everything. Edwin said I bathed like a girl cause my bathing time is usually 30 mins, lol. I thought that is normal? I got friends who bath for 2 hours...
Took the cab down to CG and set up the keyboard. Everything was working fine, and I couldn't wait for CG to start!

10.30am, CG started, and we were praying for I played some spiritual chords. Thank God for making me calm and able to move my fingers easily, hehe. Praise was good, but during worship, there was a technical error. The pads wasn't working, and the atmosphere plunged. Edwin told me to fix it and I tried everything but to no avail. So I was feeling a little bit dismayed, cause we practised so hard for this session.

Then Edwin took over and played some old worship songs. When he played, the presence of God just came. Even though he isn't used to playing keyboard and made some mistakes, but the presence of God was so strong and all of us knelt down and tears began to flow out of our eyes. Then God was reminding me, it is more than just having the skills, it is about having the anoiting. No matter how talented you are, but without the anoiting, you will just be an ordinary player. Then I told God that I want to be anoited, to have that kind of anoiting like Edwin as a worship leader. It was a holy dissatisfaction.

The love of God was so strong, that my cousin who came for CG only once, started to tear and Edwin prayed for him. Even I started tearing again when Edwin was praying for him. Then I gave him a 'cousinly' hug.

Thank you God for this awesome CG meeting today. It will be another 'memorables' in my life. So far there have been 4 'memorables' in my life. This will be the 5th. I believe that if one in the house is saved, the whole household will be saved.

Lesson of the day: The best lesson is given by God.

I should have gone to bed at 1am, but thought that I should do some reflections before sleeping. It may be a form of habit too, but that isn't the reason why I'm posting. Of course, I have to wake up at 5am later on, so that explains my unusually sleeping time. Usually I sleep around 4am during the holidays, lol. =D

Holidays have officially started but I'm not in any mood for holidays now. I mean, if the school is trying to be good to us, why do we still have to go through project work during holidays? Last week, have to stay overnight at my friends' house during the weekends, then saturday have to skip service again. This is what happens when you have non-christian in your group, I guess. That is why I will never ever want to go to a polytechnic, not that I abhor it, but having to do project work the whole year? I rather be a drop-out and start my own business, lol. I always dreamed of opening a LAN shop if I ever fail to further my studies, hahaha.

I think life is really full of surprises, and I mean life in general. Today I went to check my download files and found out among one of the files, that my brother is a CGC! I know he might be reading this, like he confessed to me a month ago he secretly read my blog, so I must be extremely cautious in writing this, lol.

When I recalled how resistive my brother used to be, always reluctant to come to my CG and staying for fellowship, I thought that maybe he will be serious after his NS life. But seeing his becoming a CGC amidst his NS life, it is really mind-blowing for me. I guess everyone has his place of belonging, the place where they will feel at home, even if the whole world doesn't feel like it. I can understand that feeling too...

Lastly, I think I'm really weird. At first I thought looking at bamboo poles of HDB flats to see if they will fall and kill you, or looking at flower pots above you to see if there is a strong gush of wind to topple the pot and hit you on your head, is normal. Not until Edwin said that having all these thoughts means you have a worried or anxious mind. He gave really exaggerated examples, like how you are afraid that the bed you are sleeping in will collapse and you will get injured, or how you are afraid that life will jam anytime and you will faint.

Of course all these thoughts are a bit too extreme. But I really thought that looking out for killer-litters is normal. Like what I told Wayne, that I wouldn't be afraid that the building may suddenly collapse because I trust all the architects and constructors, since building a HDB flat requires them to possess at least a degree or diploma; they have meticulously calculated all the angles, velocity of the wind it can resist, mass of substance it can hold, etc. But the people hanging the bamboo poles or placing the flower pot might not possess any certificate, lol. In other words, I'm only cautious when there is a need to. =P

Ok, 3 hours and 21 minutes for me to sleep, God please wake me up tomorrow.

Last sentence before I go to sleep:

ALL THE BEST TO EVERYONE TAKING CHINESE 'A' LEVEL EXAMINATION LATER AT 8AM!!!

I told God I just want a B/C, not even asking for an A. Let's pray a miracle will happen =)

Ironically, I just need an S to get into university. But since I'm going to take it, I might as well do my best! Ok off to bed now, don't want history to repeat itself.(I fell asleep during promo chinese exam)

I finally broke the 7-days streak of not going to school today! Actually I woke up at 6.45am. Then I felt a bit sleepy, so I went back to sleep. When I woke up, it was 7.30am. Then I thought I would be late anyway, so I went back to sleep. When I woke up, it was 10.00am. So, going to school would be pointless anyway. So I stayed at home and play Harvest Moon PSP. Btw I'm a super pro at Harvest moon, haha. I can sort of recite everything of it, like where to get all the 10 power berries, which crops to buy and how many, etc. I think my gift of good memory is really mysterious; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like how I can remember everyone's name for the Whacko and how I can forget what Edwin will say during meetings sometimes.

Today is the last day of school, and obviously I am reluctant to go to school. I'm been unknowingly coerced by my group mates to go, cause they postponed today's OP rehearsal to tomorrow morning. So I practically wasted my time going to school today again. Danny said he won't be going tomorrow also, so am I being the only unlucky guy going to school tomorrow, with the exception of my group mates? At least there is CCA meeting tomorrow to look forward to. I love E-gaming! Auxilion family!!

Furthermore, I'm having Chinese A level exam this thursday, and Chinese has never been my cup of tea. Actually the cause of this loathe is due to my dominant english speaking family. I rarely converse in Chinese, even during Chinese lessons. Most of my friends, if not all, converse in English too. I'm not planning to study for my Chinese exam anyway; how can Chinese be studied? It is similar to English, and you can't study languages, I guess. But still, I will pray for God to bless me all the same.

3 more days to holidays, and yet even before holidays have started, my schedule is almost packed. Mr.leow said OGL preparation will take up almost the whole of november and I already knew this long time ago from the seniors. I'm flying to Genting(Unconfirmed) during the 1st week of december with my aunt and cousins, as my parents will be flying to Israel from 2 december to 14 december, leaving me alone. My brother will most probably be in camp or taiwan for field camp, so he can't join us. This will be the first time, if it is going to happen, that I will be going overseas without my brother. I'm not used to it...

Oh well, there will be a first time for everything anyway.

Lesson of the day: Some things are taught, some things are caught. The former requires both hands to clap, while the latter relies independently on yourself.

I think I'm becoming a juvenile deliquent, although juvenile wouldn't be appropriate since I'm already passed 16. I skipped school on monday, tuesday and wednesday, all for the same reason-overslept. Woke up 12.40pm on monday, went to school for Economics but the lecturer was on MC. So I practically wasted my time walking to school. Had sports carnival on tuesday. I purpose in my heart that I didn't want to go. So I delibrately slept at 4am and made my oversleeping even closer to being possible.

Anyway, woke up at 12pm on tuesday. My cousin was having PSLE marking day so I went to buy MAC for him and visited him. I think I haven't been to his house for nearly a year. Lots of changes that I rather not waste time mentioning.

Today, my attempt was once again successful, I overslept again today.Sidetracking, I finally completed reading Slam Dunk!! 273 chapters woot! My friends were quite shocked when I played basketball with them last week. They all said my rebounding super good. Actually I learnt it from the comic book, lol. Slept at 3.30am and woke up at 11.45am today. Danny said I have to print my IC for the H3 application by 2pm. So I quickly bathed, ate and cycled to school. Then I remembered, today got 'Learning Journey'; we were supposed to visit the Peranakan Museum as a class.

So I SMS-ed my CCA president that I will not be going for CCA meeting. I didn't want to miss today's meeting too. Our teacher will be announcing the school team players. Although I won't be inside, cause I didn't want to commit after having so many commitments already, but I'm really excited for the school team. JJC's very own DOTA school team. Woo!!!

So the school chartered a bus for us and we went to the museum. If I'm not wrong, it is around clake quay area, cause I saw a road there. Took some photos. Enjoy =)

Entrance

Telephone in the year 1939

Telephone in the year 1955

Telephone in the year 1975

I know I'm a bit of a telephone aficionado. They are very mathematical!!! =D

Next, we went to the Peranakan's wedding section. Woo I took a lot of photos from the section.

Pig's head as a blessing? 0.o

Golden necklace as a dowry

(Is it real gold?...)

The bridegroom's suit

When I saw this, the first thing that came to my mind was a vampire! It really looked like a 'munak', a vampire in the game 'Ragnarok Online'. So my friend and I wanted to act funny.

Posting as vampires, failed.

Posting as vampires, success!

After the wedding section, we moved on and I just took some photos without bothering which section I was in.

Some random statue

Imba long dining table!

Danny and I got really bored so we went to the nearby cafe to eat and slack.

$6 sausage pasta, but it is delicious! =)

I guess I will end the vicious cycle today, don't want skipping school to be a habit. But seriously, there is no motivation to go school. Exams over, so no educational motivation. The girl I like is in church, so no relational motivation. My computer and Dota is at home, so no recreational motivation. The school is a prison, my main motivation to get out of it. I really love my school, cause it is famous for its school activities. But now after exams? Nothing is going on. So monotonous.

29 Oct school ends. I rather it ends now. 'Waste of time going to school' quoted from my schoolmate. My sentiments exactly. Post exam period in JC is virtually hell. It seems like exams are over and you can play and party, but actually you can't. They make you think so, but ensuring that you can't do so. Really psychotic...>.<

I still have to rush my Project work. OP and I&R submission 2 weeks later. I said I will be doing it last week, but procrastinated till now. Ok, I MUST stop procrastinating.

Lesson of the day: Change now or never change

Someone told me that my previous blogskin looks girly. So now this 1 definitely is a guy's blog. I seldom see girls playing Dota, except my female cca mates.

I think some people have the wrong mindset about playing games. Not only people who have no life, are dumb, boring, dull, any word that has a negative connotation, play games. I know of smart people who play games too. Last friday, at a bus-stop after EDGE, I saw this rather cute guy playing DJ max 2 with his PSP. I went to introduced myself and we tried challenging each other but his WLAN was bugged. His name is Yuzhong and he studies in HCI! I have a sort of reverance(of course, not at the same level I have for God) for him. Man, I'm so envious of smart people who are at the same time, and better or equal level at playing games as me. Nevertheless, there will always be one mountain higher than another one. So, I'm just going to treat it as an impetus to better improve myself in my studies and gaming, hahaha.

For those who don't know, I had a leaders' development camp from friday to sunday. I skipped camp on friday and saturday to go for Edge and Sentosa outreach-Showdown. Thank God I didn't go for the camp. They played water games from 9am to 7pm. Even if I go, it would be pointless, as I have sensitive skin. I was sunburnt during all the activities in Sentosa and my maid called me a 'red-monkey' -.-...But it was fun, lol. Went to camp again at night and slept overnight. My friends said I treat the school like hotel, lol. Then came back home at 1 and slept till 7.30pm. Woot!

2 more weeks to holiday, I see no point in going to school when exams are already over. So bored these few days, can't go swimming(lost my swimming trunk), can't go cycling(lost my bicycle), can't go eating(2 months 'vow' not to spent $$ on outside food), can't go shopping(no $$ and my taste is horrendous), can't go anywhere during weekdays(no time, unless after 7pm). Maybe I'm used to solitary living already. Is this a sign of the gift of celibacy?

I guess I should just go to sleep and look forward to a brand new day. Yea, being optimistic is my forte. =)

Lesson of the day: Sleeping suppresses stress significantly

Superfluous rewards

Many times in life, whether we realised it or not, we are motivated by external factors to accomplish a task. Motivation comes in two form-intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation. As the names suggest, intrinsic motivation comes from the inside of us, which is also known as self-motivation. This reminds of me of school's motto 'SDSM'. Extrinsic motivation comes from the external environment.

Example of intrinsic motivation: I want to do well for my exams because I love to study! I love maths!!! (Of course this applies to me as well =D)

Example of extrinsic motivation: I want to get straight As for all my subjects so that my mother will buy me a PSP!!!

Personally, I believe in intrinsic motivation and I'm an intrinsically motivated person =). Everything that I do, I do it because I want to. I mean, if you don't do the best you can, then why bother doing it at all? Waste time and money and energy only.

Went to shot2fame audition last sunday and it was fun! Although our band had a minor mistake, that thankfully wasn't that obvious as said by Edwin and the rest of my cg members, but overall I enjoyed myself.

I know I'm being retarded, but I seriously hope we won't get in, lol. There are other bands that are so much better than us. The best band will always leave an impression in your mind. And the best band I know of so far is Daniel Ang's band. Wow I love their song by Paramore, 'That's why you get'. I was still singing it in school then my classmate said 'nice song, I listened to it on the radio before'. Lol!

So I still don't know why there is a need for prizes for the event. I mean, isn't the prize obvious enough? 'A shot to fame'. Fame should be a reasonable prize, lol. But I know, not everyone hungers for fame. I reckon if it was 'A shot to success', everyone will join, lol! Just kidding, haha. That is too ambiguous; different people have different definition of success.

I have been blog-surfing the past few days due to boredom. Playing Dota makes me bored sometimes too. Found out that there are some connection between some people, even though they are not from the same CG. Maybe I should start making friends from other CG too, like what Edwin said quite some time back then, lol. This whole 'shot2fame' event is really a good opportunity to know more people. I hope that all the new friends will be intergrated too. Then it will be killing 3 birds with one stone. Why 3? Hahaha, go figure out. =P

Lesson of the day: Purpose precedes prizes

3 decisions that will change my life

I'm under tremendous stress right now. I have to make 3 decisions, that are totally mutually exclusive and at their extreme ends. I shall talk about the lightest one first.

1. Being an OGL for orientation camp 09

It is not much of a choice, cause I am by default a JJ student leader and it is somewhat compulsory for us to be an OGL. Of course, there will be an interview as usual, which will be tomoro 3pm. To be an OGL, I have to attend a leaders' development camp from 17 oct-19 oct next week, meaning I have to skip either service or CG. I tried to bargain my way out, but could only get myself free on friday and sunday. Friday I told the teacher that I got outside event-EDGE and sunday I got band competition. If I mention that they are church events, they will surely ask me to skip, cause I tried that before. Why are the people so prejudiced against christians? Why are muslims allowed to skip the camp on friday because they have to go mosque, but we can't do so because we got church? Don't tell me that they have special privileges? That is so unfair. So I'm going to be super super super busy during the holidays.

2. Struggle between I&R and OP.

I&R and OP are project work terms. It stands for 'Insight and reviews' and 'Oral presentation' respectively. Right now, I only got 2 weeks to the dead line of both of them. I&R is individual work, while OP is group work. If I do either one, I wouldn't have time for the other. Furthermore, the camp mentioned above is going to eat my time again. Don't think I will do well for PW this time...

3. Dilemma between choice of H3 subjects-Maths or Chemistry?

Thank God for his grace, I've been offered to do H3 chemistry and maths. H3 subjects are super tough and it is something like higher chinese relative to chinese, in a JC standard though. Only 5 people in my class are eligible, and none of them want to sign up -.-. The teacher warned us about taking H3, that it is only useful for scholarship but not for Uni admission. That means, if you can't secure straight As for the rest of your subjects, you can forget it. Of course, we can only choose one...

By doing so, we must attend afternoon lessons at Hwa Chong Institution, and sit for exams. And obviously, taking H3 subject means fighting with people from Raffles and Hwa Chong, people who can get straight As with a snap of their fingers. It will be a good exposure, in an optimistic view. However, we will be slaughtered mercilessly. If we take the subject and decide to drop it later on, it will be reflected as an 'X' on the certicifate. Very unslightly and bad for our portfolio. My parents encouraged me to try it out, and I guess the only factor left for my decision is my Civics tutor, cause I need to get his recommendation, same goes for all the applicants.

If only I have the gift of seeing into the future, then I will know which decisions to make. Alas, if we are able to do so, then life will be boring. No surprises, no blessings in disguise, no panic (I could use some occasionally) and no future. The future will be the present. But saying this, it is a little contridicting, if 'foresight-ing' is possible. Our past determines our present, and our present determines our future. So, will I have a future?

Only God knows,

Astarmist

Foretaste of the future

I came back from camp yesterday! One word to describe the camp: PAIN!

It was an 'all-boys' camp, which is also a prep-camp for NS. My palms super pain, cause do push-up on the carpark floor. My whole body aching from all the exercises aka tortures.

Nvm, like I promised, the following photos will be a recollection of the week.

Monday

Played Dota and owned with troll.

Tuesday

Didn't go school too. Was bored of Dota. Everyone had school and I was feeling lonely. So went cycling to Pandan Reservoir from my house.

Beautiful? =)

My lovely bike =D

Black land due to the sun

Wow, the water so dirty...

Wednesday

Woo! My birthday!!! Went to riverwalk in the morning for band training. A lot of complications. Firstly, my band got disbanded. Then gerrick and I went to join kenrick's band. Actually I join Shot to Fame because of Khoon Fai. So didn't feel like continuing at first. But I'm positive that Edwin will say negative. Oh well, got a chance to make more friends. Over the past few days, I didn't regret my decision, especially after today's training. Woot all the best to every participants out there! ^^


First I celebrated with my CG at central foodcourt.

Chocolate brownie, yum yum! =)

After that, went to JP's Ichiban Sushi to celebrate with my family.

Unagi Bento Premium meal

Full to the max!

Went home and still had birthday cake to eat!

Happy 17th birthday! =D

Had camp on thursday, friday and saturday morning, nothing to post.

I think it have stretched my faith a lot. Still went to serve even though I was extremely tired. I think I almost fainted and my head was super pain. Then I slept dunno how many times during sermon and poked my hands and pinched myself to keep myself alive.

Today was challenging too. Woke up and played for CG, then went to give BS and went to Brother Eric's house for training then went to sembawang for project work. I think I'm gonna be superman soon. And now still doing project work while posting, waiting for my friend to send me the slides. I need some holiday, desperately...

Wish I can go to a beach and scream like a mad man right now. Wish I can take an aeroplane and parachute down and scream. Wish I can hold someone's hands right now. Best wish of all: Wish I had more wishes that come true.

Signing off,
Astarmist

Best day of my life

Wow, I've been so occupied that I only got time to post now. And it is already past midnight! I love 1st october. And I love 1st october 2008 even more. Thanks everyone for making me so happy today.

Thanks W453 for giving me a sense of belonging and identity, one that the secular world can never ever give. I really liked the wallet; I mean it is obvious. My previous one was so old and I think that the red ink is more of a graffiti than decoration. Thanks for the surprise at the foodcourt, even though it was sort of obvious too. Oppx...=X Ignorance is sometimes bliss, haha. I liked the cake, so cute and delicious. Thanks for all the sms and presents. Thanks for being my CG members =).

Thanks Dad, Mum, Da-ge, my baby brother and my maid for celebrating my birthday. I am extremely, super, ultra, to the max, full! I think I can feel myself expanding, and on the verge of exploding. Thanks Dad for the handphone, C902, thanks Mum in advance, or by faith (which is more precise), for the keyboard. Thanks Da-ge for the Giant Sudoku and strawberry with cream andersen's ice-cream. Thanks Glenn for being so cute and helping to brighten the atmosphere with your never-ending chatter. Thanks Grace for being such a great cook, for making me herbal teas, for all my sumptuous meals and especially spaghetti for every function I've been.

Last and definitely not the least, in fact, it is the best. Thank you God for creating me and putting me into the safe island-Singapore. I mean, I'm a mathematical person, and the odds of being born in another place, and another time, and being another person, with another family, with different friends, with different lifestyle, is just too great. Not even infinity can match up to it. It is beyond infinity. Infinity is just a number so big or small, if you consider negative infinity, that it can't be defined. Like anything divide by 0. But, it is still something. Now, being unique and born at the particular time and space, is totally not just something. It is entirely impossible. Not unless with God. That is why, I love you so much God. Just for who you are, not what you can do. You are sooooo GREAT!!!

Side-tracking, I have a feeling that the girl I like knows that I like her, albeit total concealment from me. But I guess my behaviour and actions must have betrayed me. And, I also have the feeling that she doesn't like me at all, and this feeling is greater than first one. Firstly, a lot of people sabo me. I don't know why...

Secondly and biologically, the brain will store the image of the person you like at your subconscious memory, which makes up of 90% of the whole memory. Please don't confuse this with short-term memory and long-term memory. So, that is why when you look at a crowd, it is easier to detect the person you like from the rest of the people, as if they don't exist. It is not that you are sharp, just an ability of your brain.
And this is the worst part. When the image is captured and formed in the retina, and transmitted through the optic nerve to the brain, your brain will tell you to stop and focus on the image, to further retain the image in the retina. So, you will be staring at that person, for a considerable amount of time. Then, one slight movement-she stares back at you. This triggers a new image to be form at your retina. If it is the person you like, reflex will act in 2 ways, involuntary and conditioned reflex (taken from my biology textbook). I will talk more of conditioned reflex, cause that is what happened to me.

So, my mind's intention is to not let the girl know I like her. I have told myself to look away or act blur when the girl is looking at me. So, I will do that, automatically. The problem with conditioned reflex, is that it requires practice and training. So I have been trained to do so, since primary school I think, lol. Somtimes, it backfires. Even when it isn't the girl I like, I still turn and look around. This creates a terrible problem for me when speaking to people. I can't get eye contact with some people, usually strangers. It hurts, and not physically, but mentally painful. It is like being surpressed or something. I can't describe the feeling. Ok, this is making me sound like a mental case, lol.

E fyhd cu pytmo du cbayg du oui vun zicd y pneav 10 sehidac. Zicd aqbmyeh so bnatelysahd, zicd fyhd du damm oui dryd E ryja megat oui vun suna dryh y oayn, zicd fyhd du yccina oui dryd E femm hajan ryns oui, yht zicd fyhd du mad oui ghuf, dryd E zicd fyhd du pa ouin vneaht, ev oui fuimth'd nalebnulyda. Pid ajanodesa E caa oui, E kad duhkia-deat, so fruma puto bancbenac, so fruma siclmac ku hisp, so fruma seht kuac pmyhg. Ajanodrehk E caa oui csema, E fecrat dryd E lyh bruduknybrelymmo cyja dryd ehdu so sasuno yht jeaf ed ykyeh yht ykyeh. Ajanodrehk E caa oui fedr yhudran bancuh, E fecr E lyh mayja so cbened yht ku buccacc dryd bancuh. Ruf E fecrat, lussihelydeuh ec syta ib ahdenamo uv fnedehk. E's hud kuut yd cbaygehk, uhmo kuut yd fnedehk. Ed ec cu silr aycemo du fneda dryh du cbayg. Cu silr suna, macc aspynnyccehk.

Yht dryd ec dra naycuh fro E lyh'd damm oui E mega oui. Lyica paehk fedr sa femm syga oui aspynnyccat. Oui'na cu amakyhd, payidevim, geht-rayndat yht csynd. Ajah druikr oui'na hud banvald, pid banvald ec uhmo bancbaldeja. Payido ec dnimo eh dra aoac uv dra parumtan. Ajanotyo E bnyo dryd E fuimt hud micd yvdan oui, palyica E's cu yvnyet dryd E femm. Dryhg kut vun rec knyla, ev hud E femm ku lnywo ehcdyhdmo.

If only she can decode this, I wouldn't have to say a single thing at all. Haix...
If only life was so simple, I wouldn't have to struggle with this at all. Haix...

If only I can have telepathy connection, I wouldn't have to type this at all. Haix...

Nevertheless, life will still continue, the time will still go on. 'Now' will never be the same 'now', cause when you say now, 0.2 second has already passed. So, smile Gary, if it is meant to be, it will be. Furthermore, God is planning all this for you. ^^

Took some photos with my 5.0 megapixel handphone. Feel so grand, lol. Will upload in the next post, which will be a collection of what I have done for the week.

I will be away for camp from today 4pm to saturday noon, time unknown. Forgive me if I don't pick up your phone. Lol.

Signing off,

Astarmist