Some time alone

Yesterday night, my younger brother called me a hypocrite when I scolded him for disobeying my mother. I stood there stunned, and for the first time, i couldn't argue back with him. Because i really feel like the greatest hypocrite inside. I haven't told my parents or anyone at home what i'm going through and i'm feel so bad having to pretend and fake my facial expressions  at home. Even at home, i have to pretend. It really sucks.

Even in school, i'm not spared either. Whenever my friends talk about relationships, i really feel like sticking a masking tape over their mouth. The last word I want to hear now is "relationship". But that will be so selfish of me, cause they are innocent and they have all the freedom to say whatever they want. The problem lies with me. Even worse, i have to fake a laughter when they say a joke and the feeling is really like...crap. I wish I can stay at home and study instead.

I wish I can go to a place where no one recognise me, so I don't have to pretend anymore. I want to start afresh.

If there was a restart button in life, i would have pressed it already.

I hate being asked the question"why?", especially when I said i can't go for something. Just cancelled a few appointments with some people cause i'm really not in a mood to meet anyone. Some will ask "why?" which I don't really want to reply. I actually prefer those group of people who don't ask any questions. Cause it's pretty obvious if I can't make it and I don't say the reason, it means I don't want to say it, right.

I think at this point, i really need some time to be alone. Some time of my own to  do some soul-searching. 

With sincere apologies

I think it must have been a crazy roller coaster for me and for those involved, be it 3rd parties or not.

I just want to say sorry, like really really sorry (trying my best to emphasize this). Even though I know sorry isn't suffice, it's the only and best thing I can do now. To not say sorry at all will be the worst.

In a moment's folly, I actually allowed my feelings to override me. I did silly things and as much as I tried to contain its damages, what's done cannot be undone. I brought all these upon myself.

Sorry.

Dream come true~

After 7 years of waiting and pursuing my dream, finally on 12/01/13, I've achieved my dream of playing for main service on stage!

Can't exactly remember the day or month I once conceived this dream, but I knew it happened when I was in Secondary 3. Remembered that day, Pst.Kong was preaching about our calling and destiny in life and that day I went back home to pray and ask God for my calling and I can still remember the vision of seeing myself playing keyboard on stage in front of thousands of people.

Was reading my archive and I can't believe I'm a math student, yet I can't figure out if I'm secondary 3 or 4 in 2007, lol. So I came up with the following:

Year       Age         Remarks
1991        0            Toddler
1992        1            Toddler
1993        2            Toddler
1994        3            Toddler
1995        4            Nursery
1996        5            Kindergarten 1
1997        6            Kindergarten 2
1998        7            Primary 1
1999        8            Primary 2
2000        9            Primary 3
2001       10           Primary 4
2002       11           Primary 5
2003       12           Primary 6
2004       13           Sec 1
2005       14           Sec 2
2006       15           Sec 3
2007       16           Sec 4
2008       17           JC1
2009       18           JC2
2010       19           Army yr1
2011       20           Army yr2
2012       21          Uni yr1 sem1
2013       22          Uni yr1 sem2-yr2 sem1

All age are counted after my birthday. So I'm secondary 4 in 2007. And I had my dream in 2006.

Comparing to some characters in the bible, 7 years is considered quite fast already, haha. Adam had to wait 25 years for a son. I won't say these 7 years of waiting was unbearably long, but I can't imagine 25 years...Must have been reeeaaaalllllyyyy long!

Now I'm an extremely happy and fulfilled man, and I'm living in my dream! Don't mind doing this for the rest of my life. But of course, now that one dream has been fulfilled, it's time to fulfill another dream. And this time, it's gonna be even bigger.

My next dream:

To do missions around the world playing the keyboard and helping out in the mission teams!

Forget the past...

Blessed by this week serving at Jams church, cause Santhi preached a really good sermon about forgetting our past in 2012 or even way before that as we enter into the new year and remember the good that we have experienced. Even though the message was simple, God's word always have truth in it no matter the deliverance and knowing the truth will set you free.

In my whole life, the hardest part of my past to forget will definitely be the phase when I got rejected 2 and a half year ago and entering into a state of depression after that. Since last year till now, many people have been asking me to find a girlfriend and I will give 101 different answers to different people because they don't know what I've gone through. Only those who knew understood my real reason, and that is my fear of liking someone again. Because I don't want to go through that state of depression again. I used to be cynical at people spending hours crying buckets of tears after they get rejected prior to my rejection because I would think it is silly and I will never do something like it.

It was only after I experienced it and those days...I would remember just lying on my bed, close the door and just cry for like 2-3 hours. Not continuously though (watched too much TV that time and TV usually show the people crying continuously) Just cry and stop, and cry and stop, and repeat again.

I will tell my closest friends that I'll never like another girl again until she likes me first. It was till the point I rather remain single my whole life that to face another rejection. That's the extent of how much I don't want to get rejected again.

Ever since that rejection, my self esteem plummeted to rock bottom and I have zero expectation of anyone liking me. I will think to myself, "22 years of my life and no one liked me before, this means there must be something bad about me. I must be not good looking enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, character not good enough, etc."

Ushering in the new year

Wanted to blog for quite a while but have been busy lately due to work and after-work activities. As my work requires me to wake up at 6am and I usually blog late at night (and long posts), I didn't have the mood to blog as well. Today is an exception though, cause I'm just going to write a short post.

I'm really happy that 2012 has passed cause it has been a tough year with the most transitions in my life yet, but thank God I'm still alive and I survived the 'apocalypse', hahah!!

Looking forward to greater things in 2013, have already wrote down my resolutions in my phone and I hope that there wouldn't be any major transitions in my life for this year till I graduate in 2016.

Got back my results for sem 1 and I've got a GPA of 3.16/5.00. Quite disappointed with myself cause I was aiming for 4.0 and above. Was very afraid my parents will be angry and disappointed with me as well but surprisingly, they encouraged me and told me that as long as I passed it was good already, and told me to work harder for the next sem. I was quite shocked (but they didn't seem to realise it lol!) when they said that, cause they had high expectations for me at the start. Anyway I'm really glad to have their encouragement instead of their scolding.

I'm going to work harder the next sem and this time, need to aim for 4.5 and above in order to pull up my average GPA.

Even though God didn't answer my prayer for getting 4.0 and above, I'm still grateful for him for this score, because I know that He is sovereign and just like Lazarus who has been dead for 4 days and Jesus resurrected him, I know God is able to do a miracle for my remaining days in Uni.

Was thinking of what my jams ministry leader spoke to me about today: "What do you do with all your achievement in life? After you have accomplished everything, what does it lead you to? I've realized that having a lot of achievements in life doesn't give you true joy. Quoting from the movie Les Miserable, 'to love another person is to see the face of God.' True joy comes from serving and loving one another."

It really spoke to me deeply that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I get a 1st class degree or not, if I can drive a nice car, stay in a bungalow, etc. What I really want is to see the world change for the better. Of course I'm gonna study hard to get a 1st class degree, because it is a means to the end. Having a high paying job will definitely be better, cause I'll have more than enough to give to others.

Oh gosh I think I crossed the boundary, the post is slightly long already. Will be sleeping soon and I don't usually say this:

To whoever that is faithfully reading my blog, thanks for being interested in my life and wanting to get to know me more. :)