5 more days to my 1st final term papers, time truly is ticking. I doubt I will be able to finish studying everything in my course but it will be absurd to think that everything will be tested in the exams anyway. Sometimes I wonder if exams really test how intelligent/hard-working a person is, because there is a probability factor in exams too. Like the probability of how a part of the study material might come out for an exam and not another part. So I'm really hoping that whatever that I have studied for, will come out for the exams and I pray my memory retrieving skills will be efficient enough.
I can't wait for holidays to start. I can't wait for next year's summer break, even though I know that is like next year May. Just looking forward to going Japan again, whether via internship program or with my father again. I know I'm still crazy about Japan, but seeing the life that I'm having (or going to have in the future, with the prices of everything increasing), there is no reason why I don't want to migrate to Japan if there is a chance. I think it's probably easier to find a wife there as well, considering how high the standards Singaporean girls have. I'm just glad that people are not matchmaking/prompting/stirring me with girls anymore; most of them kinda know that I want to find a Japanese wife hahah! I really dislike people doing stuff like that to me.
Cause I'm quite convinced, after getting rejected more than 10 times (Yup I did a count, first rejection was in primary 4), I'm not the type of guy that Singaporean girls are looking for. Gonna try my chance in Japan. So there is no point in matchmaking me as well, cause I probably won't take any action at all. And the girl would probably feel awkward and avoid me. In fact, I get kinda irritated when people do so, especially when I meet new people in school or workplace or church or anywhere, after introduction, the person will say "Btw, Gary is still single and available." I'll usually remain silent after that, or try to change the topic.
It's not that I don't want to get attached, just that I guess I'm not the relationship-kind of person. Frankly, relationships puzzles and bewilders me. I know the kingdom of God is a kingdom of relationship but still, I've got problem with relating to people. Not just with liking someone, probably socially. I'm not the kind of person that will actively go and make friends, in fact, my mindset is that the lesser friends I have, the easier to manage my friendships. I treasure having closer friends, than having numerous amount of friends. Unlike some people who have a lot of friends, but don't know how to treasure their close friends well.
I doubt I will ever be ready for a relationship, but sometimes I do wonder if I have the gift of celibacy too. It seems that God is protecting me from having relationships, because He knows my weaknesses. I did struggle with this thought in the past, probably 4-5 years ago, cause I think it will be really lonely to be single all your life. But after all these years, I'm starting to think it's actually not so bad. It's a good thing I'm a workaholic, so I'll be able to combat loneliness by consuming myself with work. And I'm getting used to being single as well, have never been so happy being single in fact! All those years that I spent, whenever I like someone, was actually quite painful, lol. Not having to like anyone is like freedom.
There are so many more things that I want to do compared to getting into a relationship, and it would be easier to do them being single than attached. So, for now I'm just gonna pursue my dreams!
There are many paths to the same destination or dream. When one path closes, just look for another open path. I won't give up.
Maybe when the right time comes, the right one will come. But I'm closing that window after 30 years old. Unless some miracle happens.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
I need more time
Time seems to pass so quickly this semester. My mid terms ended not long ago and now it's exactly 28 more days to my first final term paper.
There are so many things that I want to do, but so little time available. I'm really putting a lot of effort this semester into my studies, unlike my previous semesters and I'm glad that my mid terms results are satisfying to me. I got 38/40 for one of my computer science modules and I was really happy until I saw the person beside me getting 40/40, full marks! No surprise that he is not a local. The bell curve in this course is really steep, due to all the talents coming in from all around the world. This means that I've got to work even harder!
I'm not a materialistic person, but I treasure time more. It is true when they say time is money. As I grew older, instead of wanting birthday gifts in the form of material objects, I value time even more. It's quite ironic that for my 21st birthday, I didn't even have a time to hold a birthday party last year cause I was super busy with my studies. Personally I don't mind not having a birthday party, but I was quite disappointed that no one bother to ask me if they wanted to have a birthday meal with me. This year was different, and likewise, even though I didn't receive much birthday gifts (3 to be exact, from my Mum, CG and Ministry Leader), I'm really happy that I've got to spend it with my best/close friends. Because I believe time is of a greater value than material goods, I rather not receive any gift if I can get to have some quality time to spend instead.
I remember reading this somewhere:
When you are young, you got no money, full of health, full of time.
When you reach adulthood, you got no time, some money, some health.
When you reach elderly stage, you got no money, no health, full of time.
Guess it's true this time.
There are so many things that I want to do, but so little time available. I'm really putting a lot of effort this semester into my studies, unlike my previous semesters and I'm glad that my mid terms results are satisfying to me. I got 38/40 for one of my computer science modules and I was really happy until I saw the person beside me getting 40/40, full marks! No surprise that he is not a local. The bell curve in this course is really steep, due to all the talents coming in from all around the world. This means that I've got to work even harder!
I'm not a materialistic person, but I treasure time more. It is true when they say time is money. As I grew older, instead of wanting birthday gifts in the form of material objects, I value time even more. It's quite ironic that for my 21st birthday, I didn't even have a time to hold a birthday party last year cause I was super busy with my studies. Personally I don't mind not having a birthday party, but I was quite disappointed that no one bother to ask me if they wanted to have a birthday meal with me. This year was different, and likewise, even though I didn't receive much birthday gifts (3 to be exact, from my Mum, CG and Ministry Leader), I'm really happy that I've got to spend it with my best/close friends. Because I believe time is of a greater value than material goods, I rather not receive any gift if I can get to have some quality time to spend instead.
I remember reading this somewhere:
When you are young, you got no money, full of health, full of time.
When you reach adulthood, you got no time, some money, some health.
When you reach elderly stage, you got no money, no health, full of time.
Guess it's true this time.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Japan, studies, relationships, time
Just thought I'll update this blog again before the number of events from the last time I posted till now becomes overwhelming.
Think the most impactful event so far is my trip to Japan. Because of this trip, and I believe it is God-planned, now I know where my direction and vision is, and my life has become so much brighter and meaningful to me compared to the first half of the year. Not to mention how bad the first half of the year has been for me, with all that stuff that happened. Now I wake up each day anticipating and looking forward to the future; I can't wait for the next 10 years of my life! And it's true that whatever your mind is focused on, you strengthen it. I can't believe how many windows of opportunities God has opened to me, it's truly amazing.
Looking forward to going Japan for my exchange internship, for my holidays, for my work in the future, and for my future wife. (God I confess I want a Japanese wife! Hahahahah!) My Dad and I have the same dream, which is to travel the whole of Japan in our life time. I hope I can fulfill his dream, because he is of age and I'm afraid he won't be able to travel in the coming years due to his health problems. So we promised each other to travel to Japan together once a year, starting from next year onwards, as long as everything goes well with our financial planning and it is within our budget.
And due to this new founded passion, suddenly I got so much motivation in my studies, and in participating in anything that will help boost my CV to work in a Japanese Company in the future. I joined the events committee for my school's Japanese Appreciation Club, got an internship with a Japan-based company, enrolled in Bunka Language School to learn Japanese to get a certificate for Japanese Language. And I'm also signing up for career talks, workshops, etc to get more educated in my career planning, something that I would not have done in the past. I used to hate being busy and would rather spend my time chilling and relaxing but now, I will try to find all means to make full use and optimize my time. I can't believe I totally stopped gaming for the past 3 months, and I even uninstall all my games from my computer. I've been a gamer since secondary 2 and been addicted to gaming since then. Maybe I should write a book on my journey of being a hardcore gamer, and breaking the addiction of gaming, hahahah. Could help lots of youth around the world.
In my free time, I would rather spend it studying, doing my assignments and projects, or learning Japanese on my own. Hanging out with friends used to be in that list too, but sadly, I guess some friendships aren't what I thought they would be. I've always been skeptical about relationships, no matter what kind they are, and how inconsistent and illogical they are. Not to mention all my past experiences of relationships. It has become increasingly difficult for me to trust others. Somehow, "you reap what you sow" doesn't apply in relationships.
You can invest so much time in a person, but at the end of the day, the relationship just drifts further and further without the person even noticing it. "Busy-ness is the number one killer of relationships". I have no idea how many times I've heard the phrase "Sorry, I'm busy" for the past few months. To me, in essence, what the person is trying to say is "Sorry, all my other things that I've got to do is more important than you. My other friends are more important than you. My work/studies is more important than you. Feeding my pet dog is more important than you. Watching 'Powerpuff Girls' is more important than you." Blah Blah Blah. The list never ends. Seemingly, every other thing is more important to them...than you.
If you want to compare busy-ness, I'm definitely sure I can be busy 24/7 of the day. It's all about sacrificing that amount of time, and it shows how much value you place in the relationship. It is not the issue of being busy, it is really the issue of prioritizing, and also optimization of your time.
I guess I'm no longer young anymore, and I've got to optimize whatever time that I have got on my hands. It's kinda sad how some people, especially your friends, optimize their time in a different way once their circumstances change. I think somewhere down the line, I've given up already. Sometimes I don't even want to try asking anymore, cause I know what the reply will be anyway. "Sorry, I'm busy".
Relationships are like stocks. There are some stocks that are worth investing => will generate returns, and there are some stocks that aren't worth investing =>You will lose the capital and maybe even generate losses. The most important thing is to know the right stocks to invest in.
Stop investing in the wrong stocks, because they will never yield a return.
Maybe I'm not a good stock to invest in, that will explain everything then. It's fine by me anyway, I don't lose out on anything. I got so many other better things to do in my life.
Think the most impactful event so far is my trip to Japan. Because of this trip, and I believe it is God-planned, now I know where my direction and vision is, and my life has become so much brighter and meaningful to me compared to the first half of the year. Not to mention how bad the first half of the year has been for me, with all that stuff that happened. Now I wake up each day anticipating and looking forward to the future; I can't wait for the next 10 years of my life! And it's true that whatever your mind is focused on, you strengthen it. I can't believe how many windows of opportunities God has opened to me, it's truly amazing.
Looking forward to going Japan for my exchange internship, for my holidays, for my work in the future, and for my future wife. (God I confess I want a Japanese wife! Hahahahah!) My Dad and I have the same dream, which is to travel the whole of Japan in our life time. I hope I can fulfill his dream, because he is of age and I'm afraid he won't be able to travel in the coming years due to his health problems. So we promised each other to travel to Japan together once a year, starting from next year onwards, as long as everything goes well with our financial planning and it is within our budget.
And due to this new founded passion, suddenly I got so much motivation in my studies, and in participating in anything that will help boost my CV to work in a Japanese Company in the future. I joined the events committee for my school's Japanese Appreciation Club, got an internship with a Japan-based company, enrolled in Bunka Language School to learn Japanese to get a certificate for Japanese Language. And I'm also signing up for career talks, workshops, etc to get more educated in my career planning, something that I would not have done in the past. I used to hate being busy and would rather spend my time chilling and relaxing but now, I will try to find all means to make full use and optimize my time. I can't believe I totally stopped gaming for the past 3 months, and I even uninstall all my games from my computer. I've been a gamer since secondary 2 and been addicted to gaming since then. Maybe I should write a book on my journey of being a hardcore gamer, and breaking the addiction of gaming, hahahah. Could help lots of youth around the world.
In my free time, I would rather spend it studying, doing my assignments and projects, or learning Japanese on my own. Hanging out with friends used to be in that list too, but sadly, I guess some friendships aren't what I thought they would be. I've always been skeptical about relationships, no matter what kind they are, and how inconsistent and illogical they are. Not to mention all my past experiences of relationships. It has become increasingly difficult for me to trust others. Somehow, "you reap what you sow" doesn't apply in relationships.
You can invest so much time in a person, but at the end of the day, the relationship just drifts further and further without the person even noticing it. "Busy-ness is the number one killer of relationships". I have no idea how many times I've heard the phrase "Sorry, I'm busy" for the past few months. To me, in essence, what the person is trying to say is "Sorry, all my other things that I've got to do is more important than you. My other friends are more important than you. My work/studies is more important than you. Feeding my pet dog is more important than you. Watching 'Powerpuff Girls' is more important than you." Blah Blah Blah. The list never ends. Seemingly, every other thing is more important to them...than you.
If you want to compare busy-ness, I'm definitely sure I can be busy 24/7 of the day. It's all about sacrificing that amount of time, and it shows how much value you place in the relationship. It is not the issue of being busy, it is really the issue of prioritizing, and also optimization of your time.
I guess I'm no longer young anymore, and I've got to optimize whatever time that I have got on my hands. It's kinda sad how some people, especially your friends, optimize their time in a different way once their circumstances change. I think somewhere down the line, I've given up already. Sometimes I don't even want to try asking anymore, cause I know what the reply will be anyway. "Sorry, I'm busy".
Relationships are like stocks. There are some stocks that are worth investing => will generate returns, and there are some stocks that aren't worth investing =>You will lose the capital and maybe even generate losses. The most important thing is to know the right stocks to invest in.
Stop investing in the wrong stocks, because they will never yield a return.
Maybe I'm not a good stock to invest in, that will explain everything then. It's fine by me anyway, I don't lose out on anything. I got so many other better things to do in my life.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Comparison
"Don't compare with others."
We have probably heard that phrase before at least once in our life. And it is usually used when we compare our lives with others that seem to have a better life than us, and someone will just quote that phrase, because comparing with others is a bad thing.
But that isn't the case for me, and I realized that I've been comparing with others quite a lot since I was young, but in a different manner. I usually compare to those that are having a worse time than me or someone who is going through a similar situation and I'll remind myself, "if that person can do it, so can I."
That is when comparison becomes a good thing instead of a bad thing.
I haven't given much thought about this whole thing until the past 2 days. For yesterday, it was my first time doing the closing shift at Starbucks and I didn't know it would take so long, until ard 1am. My colleagues told me they ever worked till 3 am before, cause there are a lot of mopping, cleaning, washing, sweeping, stock take, etc. to do. Today I worked until 12.30am which was better compared to yesterday.
But today was slightly different.
As we were about to finish closing the shop, I began chatting with one of my colleague that I seldom work together with and found out he stays at Malaysia. He has to travel to and fro every single day and he has been doing it for 1 year and 5 months! I asked him how long it takes to travel from the shop to his house and he said 3-4 hours, which means a total of 6-8 hours to and fro. We started and ended work at the same time and to think I'm complaining in my heart how tired my feet and eyes are...
And I started to compare with him, "if he can do this for 1 year and 5 months, why should I even be complaining?"
Which led me to think further; most of us really take the things we have around us for granted. Especially during the haze period in Singapore, all the true colors of Singaporeans have emerged. I admit I'm guilty of being part of it as well, as I 'fled' to Japan to escape the haze after complaining how bad it was. Sometimes we got to think of all the people who are helpless and having a much tougher life than us, especially in Bei Jing where the people are living in perpetual haze. We really need to learn how to appreciate life and things around us even more.
To my future self:
If you're going through the darkest period in your life and you're reading this, please remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. There are people who are having a much more difficult situation than you and they are still clinging on to their life and hope. Don't give up, just keep pressing on.
We have probably heard that phrase before at least once in our life. And it is usually used when we compare our lives with others that seem to have a better life than us, and someone will just quote that phrase, because comparing with others is a bad thing.
But that isn't the case for me, and I realized that I've been comparing with others quite a lot since I was young, but in a different manner. I usually compare to those that are having a worse time than me or someone who is going through a similar situation and I'll remind myself, "if that person can do it, so can I."
That is when comparison becomes a good thing instead of a bad thing.
I haven't given much thought about this whole thing until the past 2 days. For yesterday, it was my first time doing the closing shift at Starbucks and I didn't know it would take so long, until ard 1am. My colleagues told me they ever worked till 3 am before, cause there are a lot of mopping, cleaning, washing, sweeping, stock take, etc. to do. Today I worked until 12.30am which was better compared to yesterday.
But today was slightly different.
As we were about to finish closing the shop, I began chatting with one of my colleague that I seldom work together with and found out he stays at Malaysia. He has to travel to and fro every single day and he has been doing it for 1 year and 5 months! I asked him how long it takes to travel from the shop to his house and he said 3-4 hours, which means a total of 6-8 hours to and fro. We started and ended work at the same time and to think I'm complaining in my heart how tired my feet and eyes are...
And I started to compare with him, "if he can do this for 1 year and 5 months, why should I even be complaining?"
Which led me to think further; most of us really take the things we have around us for granted. Especially during the haze period in Singapore, all the true colors of Singaporeans have emerged. I admit I'm guilty of being part of it as well, as I 'fled' to Japan to escape the haze after complaining how bad it was. Sometimes we got to think of all the people who are helpless and having a much tougher life than us, especially in Bei Jing where the people are living in perpetual haze. We really need to learn how to appreciate life and things around us even more.
To my future self:
If you're going through the darkest period in your life and you're reading this, please remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. There are people who are having a much more difficult situation than you and they are still clinging on to their life and hope. Don't give up, just keep pressing on.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
End of ICT
I can't believe how amazingly fast 5 days of reservist just ended like that and I'm now back in the comfort of my home. Somehow all the worries that I had before in-camp training (ICT) were uncalled for. Except for the 4km route march, welcome parade and AGTS, I think I practically spent the rest of the time sleeping and playing board games, card games, chinese chess, phone, etc.
I got so bored of doing nothing that I told my platoon mates I rather be made to do something, anything. I would be so glad when the sergeants asked me to run errands for them, be it clearing the trash or getting ops report from the HQ. It's ironic how I used to hope and pray that I wouldn't be the one to get arrowed to do all these stuff and now I'm longing to do them.
And I'm glad to have reconciled the bad relationships that I had with some of my platoon mates during NS. Guess 2 years of not seeing each other can really mend and heal those relationships.
Sometimes I wonder if my life is like a bullet train. When sometimes happen to me, it always happen just like that, and ends almost as fast as well.
Can't believe that my IPPT window will be closed on 30th June and I have to clear 20 sessions of RT by 1 October. I'm seriously in perpetual stress every single day until I can either down-pes to escape IPPT or by God's grace, miraculously pass my IPPT next monday. It's my last chance to clear it before I fly off to Japan.
I really want to enjoy my holiday in peace...sigh. =/
I got so bored of doing nothing that I told my platoon mates I rather be made to do something, anything. I would be so glad when the sergeants asked me to run errands for them, be it clearing the trash or getting ops report from the HQ. It's ironic how I used to hope and pray that I wouldn't be the one to get arrowed to do all these stuff and now I'm longing to do them.
And I'm glad to have reconciled the bad relationships that I had with some of my platoon mates during NS. Guess 2 years of not seeing each other can really mend and heal those relationships.
Sometimes I wonder if my life is like a bullet train. When sometimes happen to me, it always happen just like that, and ends almost as fast as well.
Can't believe that my IPPT window will be closed on 30th June and I have to clear 20 sessions of RT by 1 October. I'm seriously in perpetual stress every single day until I can either down-pes to escape IPPT or by God's grace, miraculously pass my IPPT next monday. It's my last chance to clear it before I fly off to Japan.
I really want to enjoy my holiday in peace...sigh. =/
Thursday, May 23, 2013
A land of light
Really blessed by what Pst.Phil shared on Tuesday. God's word is truly like a mirror.
"How God sees us isn't how other sees us, or even how we see ourselves."
I think I have been influenced by others (and myself too) to brand myself with so many negative labels. Was pondering on this thought. If our brain controls our actions and everything in our body, what controls the brain? How come I think the way I think? There is something else controlling the brain, and it's the mind. A lot of people group both the mind and brain as the same thing but they are actually different. The brain is essentially an organ, while the mind is what I would like to call 'the thinking center'. Where all the thoughts come from. And it's funny how you can influence yourself. Like literally brainwash yourself for your own good. You can control your own thought life and it's important to do so, because thoughts are like trains which will lead you to your destinations, whatever those thoughts are.
Pst.Phil said to flee away from negative people the moment you encounter them, cause they will slowly destroy your life. It's ironic cause I've been so negative these few months and now I will have to flee from myself? Lol. I don't like to be negative, just that I can't help it sometimes when I think of everything that has happened to me. The key to overcoming this is to give thanks for everything, even in the midst of bad things, there is always something to give thanks for.
I missed myself being positive, being happy easily, laughing easily, carefree, etc. It's not that I don't want to be, but it feels so unnatural to do so now. It's like a fish that initially swims in freshwater, then got transferred to seawater, and if you now transfer it back to freshwater again, it won't be able to adapt back or feel out of place. At least it will take a period of time.
So I should start slowly. Start with my thoughts first. Start with how I look at myself. Understand how God looks at me. He sees me as His child, fearfully and wonderfully made. If God says so about me, who am I to say that I'm ugly, not well-liked, a recluse, etc. I just need to filter out what others and I have to say about myself, and just listen to what God has to say.
I still believe that people are more attracted to light than darkness. Even most non-believers know how to think positively and do good works. What more I, a believer and a child of God?
I don't want to be like the people of the world, I want to be in light, not darkness. To be in a land of light, with positive and 'light-seeking' minded people.
"How God sees us isn't how other sees us, or even how we see ourselves."
I think I have been influenced by others (and myself too) to brand myself with so many negative labels. Was pondering on this thought. If our brain controls our actions and everything in our body, what controls the brain? How come I think the way I think? There is something else controlling the brain, and it's the mind. A lot of people group both the mind and brain as the same thing but they are actually different. The brain is essentially an organ, while the mind is what I would like to call 'the thinking center'. Where all the thoughts come from. And it's funny how you can influence yourself. Like literally brainwash yourself for your own good. You can control your own thought life and it's important to do so, because thoughts are like trains which will lead you to your destinations, whatever those thoughts are.
Pst.Phil said to flee away from negative people the moment you encounter them, cause they will slowly destroy your life. It's ironic cause I've been so negative these few months and now I will have to flee from myself? Lol. I don't like to be negative, just that I can't help it sometimes when I think of everything that has happened to me. The key to overcoming this is to give thanks for everything, even in the midst of bad things, there is always something to give thanks for.
I missed myself being positive, being happy easily, laughing easily, carefree, etc. It's not that I don't want to be, but it feels so unnatural to do so now. It's like a fish that initially swims in freshwater, then got transferred to seawater, and if you now transfer it back to freshwater again, it won't be able to adapt back or feel out of place. At least it will take a period of time.
So I should start slowly. Start with my thoughts first. Start with how I look at myself. Understand how God looks at me. He sees me as His child, fearfully and wonderfully made. If God says so about me, who am I to say that I'm ugly, not well-liked, a recluse, etc. I just need to filter out what others and I have to say about myself, and just listen to what God has to say.
I still believe that people are more attracted to light than darkness. Even most non-believers know how to think positively and do good works. What more I, a believer and a child of God?
I don't want to be like the people of the world, I want to be in light, not darkness. To be in a land of light, with positive and 'light-seeking' minded people.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Confessions of a nerd - Relationship & Science
My exams finally ended today! It's gonna be my first 3 months holiday in Uni life and I hope it will be a good and enjoyable break for me. It is confirmed that I'll be going to Japan in June and I'm looking forward to it already cause I've always wanted to go Japan since Primary 4.
Have been wanting to blog since like last week cause I've finally got thoughts of what I want to write but have been delaying it as I want to focus on my exams and now I guess I can finally write without any worries, hahah.
Now I'll get into my topic proper.
Relationship issues are seemingly rampant for people around my age, as I often see throngs of confessions about relationships on the various university confession pages on FB. And I guess it's probably the age of 21-25 where we start thinking a lot more about relationships and as a result, many people around my age will have relationship issues. Different people will experience different kind of struggles at different point of their lives. When we were younger, around the age of 12-20, we will probably be struggling with studies. We definitely won't think that much about relationship or even finances it's not so much as bothers us as compared to our studies. Even at the age of 22 now, I'll still not very much concerned with finances as I'm not working and my family's finances is doing fine. Probably when I'm 26 or older and when I start getting a job, finances will be part of my struggle.
I've always avoid talking about relationship issues and topics about relationship to the best that I can because it seems like a taboo to me, probably from my upbringing where my parents have never talked to me about relationships and they have never asked me whether I liked a girl. And it's funny how they are supposedly the closest to me and yet they never asked. I would probably answer if they asked, and I'll never reveal it to them unless they ask.
Another reason why I avoid talking about relationships because unlike all the popular, cool, out-going, handsome and good-looking guys out there, I'm always the one who's left out, not popular, quiet, ugly, reserved, or simply a nerd, and it seems getting in a relationship was never meant for me and I sort of hated this whole thing called 'relationship' back then. And obviously if you hate something, you won't talk about it. Just like if a student hate maths, he definitely won't talk about maths. People describe an outcast as 'the boy who sits at the back of the classroom in one corner'. I've been that guy before. I've been there, and done that, in my lower secondary school days. So I know how it feels like, and the feeling really sucks.
The last reason why I avoid talking about relationships is because it is easily subjected to other people's judgment. If you're struggling with relationship, the first thought people will have in their mind is that you've got one big character problem, and people will be prejudiced against you. Other struggles like studies or finances doesn't seem to garner up much judgment. I mean, who will judge you if you are poor or if you are scoring poorly in an exam? It's just a neutral feeling to them. As I take people's words and actions very seriously, I will tend to not do stuff to make people judge me. As such, I will refrain from talking about relationships if I can.
The point of writing those three reasons, is not to conclude that I won't be talking about relationships, which will contradict my topic and what I'm about to say. I have realized that I'm in the period of age 21-25 where it is inevitable to talk about relationships and in spite of those three reasons, I'll talk about relationships issues because running away from it will never solve the problem, you need to be brave and deal with the problem.
Now to talk about relationship and science.
In science, we always try to come up with laws that govern the universe or theories on how things work, i.e Gravitational law, Newton's second law on thermodynamics, Theory of Relativity, etc. because law will always be constant and never changing. If action A is done to object B, result will always be C. For example, if a person (Object A) tries to jump (action A), he will always fall back on the ground due to gravity( result A ). And it is convenient to come up with laws because only then, you can predict what will happen and expect the results to be like what the law said. This law applies to any other object (other than those objects that defy the law of gravity) regardless if it is a boy, girl, donkey, monkey, cheetah, etc.
However, unlike science, relationship is volatile and never constant. Let's say, you try to smile (action A) at a girl (object A) and the girl smiles back at you (result A). However, if you try to smile (action A) at another girl (object B), you might get a slap instead (result B) instead of a smile back (result A).
And that is why, relationship issues are so common. Because sometimes a guy may do an action to try to please his girlfriend, but ended up getting slapped in the face or misunderstood, because human beings are never constant. Likewise for a girl. It applies to both genders.
And that is why I'm such a failure in relationships. Because I'm an extremely logical and scientific person, and I will try to treat relationship like how I do for science. For example, I thought that if you like a girl, the way to make the girl (object A) like you back (result A) is to be nice to her (action A). But that's not the case. I've seen in FB recently that people always say "The bad guys always get the girl. The good guys always end up last" and other similar quotes. At first I dismissed them as false but when I look at myself for an example, I guessed it's true after all. I've been rejected more than 5 times and all the time, I've always been nice to the girls I like.
Although coming out with a law for relationship is probably impossible, after my years of heartbreak experiences and knowledge gathered from reading other experiences, there seem to be a 'law' about girls and girls.
"If a guy like a girl, he will try to be nice to the girl. But a girl doesn't like a guy who is nice to her. Since girls are more emotional people(proven fact by psychological and biological studies by laboratories), they will rely more on their emotions than logic when liking someone even though logically, you should like the guy back when he is nice to you."
And that's why girls end up liking all the bad-ass guys instead of the good guys. Of course, there are always exception to this, just like how there are exceptions to the law of gravity (flying birds).
But as far as I'm concerned, it is true at least in my life.
Sometimes, I don't even know if I should be nice or bad-ass to the next girl that I like in the future. Or that I should probably not like anyone in the future.
Cause even though I'm a nerd (I think my characteristics qualify me to be one); it's not true what the internet or media portray about nerds just being concerned with their studies and not interested in other stuff around their lives. I'm still interested in relationship, especially at this age period and when I see my guy friends who have girlfriends, sometime I wished I can be like them, more handsome, more cool, more out-going, more popular, etc. Sigh...
The confessions of a nerd.
Have been wanting to blog since like last week cause I've finally got thoughts of what I want to write but have been delaying it as I want to focus on my exams and now I guess I can finally write without any worries, hahah.
Now I'll get into my topic proper.
Relationship issues are seemingly rampant for people around my age, as I often see throngs of confessions about relationships on the various university confession pages on FB. And I guess it's probably the age of 21-25 where we start thinking a lot more about relationships and as a result, many people around my age will have relationship issues. Different people will experience different kind of struggles at different point of their lives. When we were younger, around the age of 12-20, we will probably be struggling with studies. We definitely won't think that much about relationship or even finances it's not so much as bothers us as compared to our studies. Even at the age of 22 now, I'll still not very much concerned with finances as I'm not working and my family's finances is doing fine. Probably when I'm 26 or older and when I start getting a job, finances will be part of my struggle.
I've always avoid talking about relationship issues and topics about relationship to the best that I can because it seems like a taboo to me, probably from my upbringing where my parents have never talked to me about relationships and they have never asked me whether I liked a girl. And it's funny how they are supposedly the closest to me and yet they never asked. I would probably answer if they asked, and I'll never reveal it to them unless they ask.
Another reason why I avoid talking about relationships because unlike all the popular, cool, out-going, handsome and good-looking guys out there, I'm always the one who's left out, not popular, quiet, ugly, reserved, or simply a nerd, and it seems getting in a relationship was never meant for me and I sort of hated this whole thing called 'relationship' back then. And obviously if you hate something, you won't talk about it. Just like if a student hate maths, he definitely won't talk about maths. People describe an outcast as 'the boy who sits at the back of the classroom in one corner'. I've been that guy before. I've been there, and done that, in my lower secondary school days. So I know how it feels like, and the feeling really sucks.
The last reason why I avoid talking about relationships is because it is easily subjected to other people's judgment. If you're struggling with relationship, the first thought people will have in their mind is that you've got one big character problem, and people will be prejudiced against you. Other struggles like studies or finances doesn't seem to garner up much judgment. I mean, who will judge you if you are poor or if you are scoring poorly in an exam? It's just a neutral feeling to them. As I take people's words and actions very seriously, I will tend to not do stuff to make people judge me. As such, I will refrain from talking about relationships if I can.
The point of writing those three reasons, is not to conclude that I won't be talking about relationships, which will contradict my topic and what I'm about to say. I have realized that I'm in the period of age 21-25 where it is inevitable to talk about relationships and in spite of those three reasons, I'll talk about relationships issues because running away from it will never solve the problem, you need to be brave and deal with the problem.
Now to talk about relationship and science.
In science, we always try to come up with laws that govern the universe or theories on how things work, i.e Gravitational law, Newton's second law on thermodynamics, Theory of Relativity, etc. because law will always be constant and never changing. If action A is done to object B, result will always be C. For example, if a person (Object A) tries to jump (action A), he will always fall back on the ground due to gravity( result A ). And it is convenient to come up with laws because only then, you can predict what will happen and expect the results to be like what the law said. This law applies to any other object (other than those objects that defy the law of gravity) regardless if it is a boy, girl, donkey, monkey, cheetah, etc.
However, unlike science, relationship is volatile and never constant. Let's say, you try to smile (action A) at a girl (object A) and the girl smiles back at you (result A). However, if you try to smile (action A) at another girl (object B), you might get a slap instead (result B) instead of a smile back (result A).
And that is why, relationship issues are so common. Because sometimes a guy may do an action to try to please his girlfriend, but ended up getting slapped in the face or misunderstood, because human beings are never constant. Likewise for a girl. It applies to both genders.
And that is why I'm such a failure in relationships. Because I'm an extremely logical and scientific person, and I will try to treat relationship like how I do for science. For example, I thought that if you like a girl, the way to make the girl (object A) like you back (result A) is to be nice to her (action A). But that's not the case. I've seen in FB recently that people always say "The bad guys always get the girl. The good guys always end up last" and other similar quotes. At first I dismissed them as false but when I look at myself for an example, I guessed it's true after all. I've been rejected more than 5 times and all the time, I've always been nice to the girls I like.
Although coming out with a law for relationship is probably impossible, after my years of heartbreak experiences and knowledge gathered from reading other experiences, there seem to be a 'law' about girls and girls.
"If a guy like a girl, he will try to be nice to the girl. But a girl doesn't like a guy who is nice to her. Since girls are more emotional people(proven fact by psychological and biological studies by laboratories), they will rely more on their emotions than logic when liking someone even though logically, you should like the guy back when he is nice to you."
And that's why girls end up liking all the bad-ass guys instead of the good guys. Of course, there are always exception to this, just like how there are exceptions to the law of gravity (flying birds).
But as far as I'm concerned, it is true at least in my life.
Sometimes, I don't even know if I should be nice or bad-ass to the next girl that I like in the future. Or that I should probably not like anyone in the future.
Cause even though I'm a nerd (I think my characteristics qualify me to be one); it's not true what the internet or media portray about nerds just being concerned with their studies and not interested in other stuff around their lives. I'm still interested in relationship, especially at this age period and when I see my guy friends who have girlfriends, sometime I wished I can be like them, more handsome, more cool, more out-going, more popular, etc. Sigh...
The confessions of a nerd.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Indebted
I just had an amazing experience today. Often we hear cases of people getting healed of cancer by various pastors but not many of us actually know those people in person and today, I actually had the privilege to talk to one such person who had stage 4 cancer when he was 12 years old and got healed miraculously by God. I believe God used him as a vessel to speak to me because whatever that he shared with me is exactly what I needed to hear. I met that guy in Dialect service today, as I was asked to help out to serve because they had no keyboardists, and I never knew this act of service will a blessing to me in disguise.
After praise and worship, together the rest of the singers and band, I went to the artiste room to rest. I was intending to just take a short nap on the sofa but as I was about to rest, the guy sitting beside me turned to me and started to tell me how he was worried for his wife because her nose kept bleeding a few days ago and she was rushed to the hospital. The doctors had to insert this 'I forgot what it is called but it would help absorb the blood' thing in her nose first. They said this procedure will be extremely painful and the doctor were actually reluctant to do it but they had no choice. When they inserted the thing, the guy said his wife begin screaming so loudly that he literally felt his bones shiver. My whole body went shivers as well when he said that to me. I told him it must be extremely heart-wrecking to see your loved one suffer like that, and told him my uncle died from lung cancer few years ago and he said the pain was like '2000 needles poking him every single second'! And I know how it feels to see a loved one suffer like that, because I literally cried when I saw my uncle lying on the bed, helpless against that cancer. My family and I prayed for him to be healed, and his family being Christians as well, prayed for him but in the end, God brought him back to heaven as his time on Earth was up.
Then, he started to tell me he once had stage 4 cancer when he was 12 years old. At that time, their family were not Christians yet and his parents were at their wits-end. By the grace of God, their neighbors were Christians and they invited his family to church and healing crusades to get prayed for. Unfortunately, he didn't get healed and his condition started to deteriorated till he had to be hospitalized because his organs were failing and when he tried putting food in his mouth, it came out of his nose instead. He told me his body rejected the food and he had to be fed through tube. Part of his skins became black in color and the pain was immense. The chemotherapy wasn't working and he began to grow weaker and weaker. The doctor said he only had a few months left to live, and he will be living those month in the hospital. At that time, he told me he suddenly hear God speaking to him, that "God has given him a purpose to fulfill and He will save him." At that moment, he knew that he will recover from his cancer, that sheer faith because God personally spoke to him. It wasn't an overnight thing but a very gradual recovery. He could see his skin turning from black color till lighter shade of black and then slowly back to normal color. The number of cancer cells began to decrease over the months and after a few months, he had 0 cancer cells in his body! He told me that through that humbling experience, from that day onward, he knew his life is no longer his own, but God's. I told him that it was totally mind-blowing to me, and he said yeah, and to be the one to be able to have a second chance in life again, he is totally indebted to God.
I think I have seemingly lost track of my life for a moment, and I have been so negative these past few months. After reading my previous post, I realized that instead of people taking me for granted, I have been taking God's goodness for granted. In the first place, I don't even deserve to be living. Without God, I won't even be alive. Still remembered I almost died in an accident in Australia and God saved me. I should live my life being indebted to God, because it is no longer my life, it is His. Just when I lost vision of my future, and I did say previously that I've nothing to look forward to in life, but now God reminded me through that man that He too has given me a purpose to fulfill. You always thought that you have attained it all once you achieved your dream but God has always something greater for you, something beyond your capability. True that I have achieved my dream already and I'm sort of able to die in peace, but I'm suddenly awaken to the fact that there is something much more that I can do while I am alive.
It's funny how people often say 'You only live once, or in short - YOLO'. But in fact, it should be 'You only die once, you get to live everyday.' And while I get to live everyday, there is so much things that I can do that dead people can't.
Gratefulness. Gratitude. Thankfulness. It's been a lot time since I've been grateful for what I have, sorry God. Once again I want to thank You for everything that You have given me. You are truly more than anything, and You're everything to me.
It is so easy to take the things we have for granted when the circumstances doesn't go in our favor, and to blame everyone else, including God, for what it happening. That is why we need to constantly remind ourselves to be grateful. Now I know what kind of a soul mate I want in life, someone who will constantly remind of me of God's goodness. So that when I go through my down periods in the future, I will have someone else to remind me. It's like a backup generator when the main power circuit has a blackout.
Forever, I am indebted to You.
After praise and worship, together the rest of the singers and band, I went to the artiste room to rest. I was intending to just take a short nap on the sofa but as I was about to rest, the guy sitting beside me turned to me and started to tell me how he was worried for his wife because her nose kept bleeding a few days ago and she was rushed to the hospital. The doctors had to insert this 'I forgot what it is called but it would help absorb the blood' thing in her nose first. They said this procedure will be extremely painful and the doctor were actually reluctant to do it but they had no choice. When they inserted the thing, the guy said his wife begin screaming so loudly that he literally felt his bones shiver. My whole body went shivers as well when he said that to me. I told him it must be extremely heart-wrecking to see your loved one suffer like that, and told him my uncle died from lung cancer few years ago and he said the pain was like '2000 needles poking him every single second'! And I know how it feels to see a loved one suffer like that, because I literally cried when I saw my uncle lying on the bed, helpless against that cancer. My family and I prayed for him to be healed, and his family being Christians as well, prayed for him but in the end, God brought him back to heaven as his time on Earth was up.
Then, he started to tell me he once had stage 4 cancer when he was 12 years old. At that time, their family were not Christians yet and his parents were at their wits-end. By the grace of God, their neighbors were Christians and they invited his family to church and healing crusades to get prayed for. Unfortunately, he didn't get healed and his condition started to deteriorated till he had to be hospitalized because his organs were failing and when he tried putting food in his mouth, it came out of his nose instead. He told me his body rejected the food and he had to be fed through tube. Part of his skins became black in color and the pain was immense. The chemotherapy wasn't working and he began to grow weaker and weaker. The doctor said he only had a few months left to live, and he will be living those month in the hospital. At that time, he told me he suddenly hear God speaking to him, that "God has given him a purpose to fulfill and He will save him." At that moment, he knew that he will recover from his cancer, that sheer faith because God personally spoke to him. It wasn't an overnight thing but a very gradual recovery. He could see his skin turning from black color till lighter shade of black and then slowly back to normal color. The number of cancer cells began to decrease over the months and after a few months, he had 0 cancer cells in his body! He told me that through that humbling experience, from that day onward, he knew his life is no longer his own, but God's. I told him that it was totally mind-blowing to me, and he said yeah, and to be the one to be able to have a second chance in life again, he is totally indebted to God.
I think I have seemingly lost track of my life for a moment, and I have been so negative these past few months. After reading my previous post, I realized that instead of people taking me for granted, I have been taking God's goodness for granted. In the first place, I don't even deserve to be living. Without God, I won't even be alive. Still remembered I almost died in an accident in Australia and God saved me. I should live my life being indebted to God, because it is no longer my life, it is His. Just when I lost vision of my future, and I did say previously that I've nothing to look forward to in life, but now God reminded me through that man that He too has given me a purpose to fulfill. You always thought that you have attained it all once you achieved your dream but God has always something greater for you, something beyond your capability. True that I have achieved my dream already and I'm sort of able to die in peace, but I'm suddenly awaken to the fact that there is something much more that I can do while I am alive.
It's funny how people often say 'You only live once, or in short - YOLO'. But in fact, it should be 'You only die once, you get to live everyday.' And while I get to live everyday, there is so much things that I can do that dead people can't.
Gratefulness. Gratitude. Thankfulness. It's been a lot time since I've been grateful for what I have, sorry God. Once again I want to thank You for everything that You have given me. You are truly more than anything, and You're everything to me.
It is so easy to take the things we have for granted when the circumstances doesn't go in our favor, and to blame everyone else, including God, for what it happening. That is why we need to constantly remind ourselves to be grateful. Now I know what kind of a soul mate I want in life, someone who will constantly remind of me of God's goodness. So that when I go through my down periods in the future, I will have someone else to remind me. It's like a backup generator when the main power circuit has a blackout.
Forever, I am indebted to You.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thoughts and all
Sometimes I wonder why do I have so many thoughts in my head. And how tiring it is to be processing so many unnecessary thoughts in mind. But I found comfort, in the form of Xin Ying, as one day we went out to have dinner and I kept noticing her being in deep thoughts most of the time, exactly like me. So I asked her, "It seems like you also have a lot of thoughts going through your mind. How does it feel like?" In which she said exactly what I was feeling too - tiring. But we both can't help it sometimes, it is sort of wired in our brain to do it.
I could have thoughts about almost everything in life, and for almost every action that I take, like should I have done that? What if I have done something else, cause every single decision you make will lead to another path. And from that another path, it will lead to another path, and another path and another path and so on. So many different paths that you can take with one, just one decision. I do reflections on my actions almost everyday, considering all the other different possibilities that might have happened if I were to take some other alternative actions. I could say that I dwell a lot on the past. But not so much for my future.
I used to believe in having dreams, and stuff like that, but now I guess life is just too unpredictable and somehow, I lost all passion in the future. Nothing much to look forward to anyway. The only thing I'm looking forward to is my death, so that I can finally depart from this world full of hurts and sufferings and go to heaven.
I know I used to be a good guy back then, as Edwin told me when he was counseling me last time. But I realized that I have been taken for granted all these while. I'm totally conscious of what I'm doing now, unlike the state when I was in depression and my mind was in a blank. Perhaps I really was too nice and good a person back then, my goodness was taken for granted.
It's true that when something is in abundance, people tend to take it for granted. Like how kids from rich families take money for granted. I've decided not to be Mr.Nice guy and just be plain normal. I don't want to swing to the extreme and be Mr.Bad guy, which obviously I can as there are some people in my blacklist that I can't wait to blast at the slightest opportunity, which I almost did when I was in my depression period. I'm no longer the gullible and innocent me.
I think I'm going to change. I don't want to be nice to everyone anymore. And I don't have to, because I don't need to seek the approval and acceptance of everyone. Shall be nice selectively, by adopting the 'If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you' principle. In fact, I think almost every human adopts this principle anyway. They definitely treat their best friend different from normal friends or acquittance.
I could have thoughts about almost everything in life, and for almost every action that I take, like should I have done that? What if I have done something else, cause every single decision you make will lead to another path. And from that another path, it will lead to another path, and another path and another path and so on. So many different paths that you can take with one, just one decision. I do reflections on my actions almost everyday, considering all the other different possibilities that might have happened if I were to take some other alternative actions. I could say that I dwell a lot on the past. But not so much for my future.
I used to believe in having dreams, and stuff like that, but now I guess life is just too unpredictable and somehow, I lost all passion in the future. Nothing much to look forward to anyway. The only thing I'm looking forward to is my death, so that I can finally depart from this world full of hurts and sufferings and go to heaven.
I know I used to be a good guy back then, as Edwin told me when he was counseling me last time. But I realized that I have been taken for granted all these while. I'm totally conscious of what I'm doing now, unlike the state when I was in depression and my mind was in a blank. Perhaps I really was too nice and good a person back then, my goodness was taken for granted.
It's true that when something is in abundance, people tend to take it for granted. Like how kids from rich families take money for granted. I've decided not to be Mr.Nice guy and just be plain normal. I don't want to swing to the extreme and be Mr.Bad guy, which obviously I can as there are some people in my blacklist that I can't wait to blast at the slightest opportunity, which I almost did when I was in my depression period. I'm no longer the gullible and innocent me.
I think I'm going to change. I don't want to be nice to everyone anymore. And I don't have to, because I don't need to seek the approval and acceptance of everyone. Shall be nice selectively, by adopting the 'If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you' principle. In fact, I think almost every human adopts this principle anyway. They definitely treat their best friend different from normal friends or acquittance.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Recess week
It is finally recess week. I still remembered during this period for the last semester, I was struggling with my studies and it had snowballed till the point I was lacking behind around 3 weeks. But that was because I had a lot of other commitments at that time. This time round isn't so bad, I'm not really lacking behind, have been consistently in my studies but the difficulty level for each module is increasing as I progress in Uni life and certain things take me like forever to understand. (Especially 'pointers', 'arrays' and 'data structures' for C programming).
I often get envious when I compare myself to those scholars from overseas, when they are able to solve a question in couple of minutes and I'm stuck for a few days. Even though I don't show it outside, but I will be thinking in my mind, "How come they so smart? It's not fair." Of course I've learned long time ago the world isn't fair. I heard someone said this before, "God isn't a fair God; but He is a just God. If God was fair, he would have made everyone equal. Same looks, same color of skin, same intelligence, etc. There wouldn't be anything unique about an individual anymore." So I shouldn't complain, but still...it is part of being human to complain.
That being said, I often tell my parents that not everyone is born to be a scholar. Some are better at other things. I thought they finally understood that during a conversation months ago but recently, they kept lecturing me about my studies again, which I will patiently listen cause I don't want to disrespect them. But at the same time, I will give the "I already said what I wanted to said but you don't want to listen, what can I do? I'm 22 years old already, give me a chance to walk my old path. If I fail, then let me learn from my mistakes on my own" look. And they never seem to get that hint on my face.
I kind of miss those encouragements from various people in the past, especially during my SOT days. Perhaps I have taken them for granted back then, and now when the encouragements are scarce, I start to miss them.
My dad just taught to me about my phone bills a few days ago(so random) and commented that in the past, my sms and phone usage will always exceed the limit and he has to pay extra money, which I will explain that I've got conference call with CG and need to sms CG stuff. Then now, he said my usage is like so little compared to last time. Thing is, people are using whatsapp. And no offense to the creator of whatsapp, but I just hate it sometimes. I don't know if I'm the only one thinking like this, but to me, groups in whatsapp are insincere and the notifications are irritating.(Unless you turned it off, then the question will be "what's the point of having groups then?")
Initially(probably when I first bought my iPhone) I was alright with whatsapp, but there were so many times when I asked a question in a group, no body bother to reply. (Which I assume, according to what I've learned in psychology, the effect of the mass. ->The experiment was conducted to test how individual respond to an event when he/she knew there were other people(the mass) who had the same knowledge of the event as well.) Since everyone saw the message and thought someone will reply it, no one bothered to reply in the end. After a while, this made me stop replying to all the mass whatsapp as well. (Chao Chung will know this, I told him unless it is a question directly straight to me, I won't reply the messages.) And I don't get any questions directed to me in these groups, so seriously, what's the point? I still prefer the good old sms, not because it is free, but I feel that it is more personal and sincere. That being said, I don't get any much sms as well. There were days I didn't check my phone for a few days. Got one NTU confessions post said "What's the point of having a phone if you don't reply sms?" Probably a person complaining about his other half. For me, it would be "What's the point of having a phone if I don't receive sms?" Lol.
I really glad that I've finally apologized to the person I wanted to face-to-face. It really means a lot to me to be forgiven. I've been living in guilt, which was one reason why I didn't want to meet anyone.
Somehow the people around me don't seem to notice it anyway, which makes me think if I even exist in their eyes. When they need me, I exist. When I'm not needed, *poof I'm gone. I guess I'm not very good in making friends, or good friends at least. Not all of them are like that though. I think only my best friends and those in the ministry (cause they asked me why I didn't play for youth band) noticed.
Maybe I'm not an interesting person to talk to? Or maybe I'm not a friend-material? Or maybe they got their own group of friends already and they don't need an additional friend? Or maybe...
Maybe I should just stop thinking so much and take a chill pill. Relax, enjoy life.
I often get envious when I compare myself to those scholars from overseas, when they are able to solve a question in couple of minutes and I'm stuck for a few days. Even though I don't show it outside, but I will be thinking in my mind, "How come they so smart? It's not fair." Of course I've learned long time ago the world isn't fair. I heard someone said this before, "God isn't a fair God; but He is a just God. If God was fair, he would have made everyone equal. Same looks, same color of skin, same intelligence, etc. There wouldn't be anything unique about an individual anymore." So I shouldn't complain, but still...it is part of being human to complain.
That being said, I often tell my parents that not everyone is born to be a scholar. Some are better at other things. I thought they finally understood that during a conversation months ago but recently, they kept lecturing me about my studies again, which I will patiently listen cause I don't want to disrespect them. But at the same time, I will give the "I already said what I wanted to said but you don't want to listen, what can I do? I'm 22 years old already, give me a chance to walk my old path. If I fail, then let me learn from my mistakes on my own" look. And they never seem to get that hint on my face.
I kind of miss those encouragements from various people in the past, especially during my SOT days. Perhaps I have taken them for granted back then, and now when the encouragements are scarce, I start to miss them.
My dad just taught to me about my phone bills a few days ago(so random) and commented that in the past, my sms and phone usage will always exceed the limit and he has to pay extra money, which I will explain that I've got conference call with CG and need to sms CG stuff. Then now, he said my usage is like so little compared to last time. Thing is, people are using whatsapp. And no offense to the creator of whatsapp, but I just hate it sometimes. I don't know if I'm the only one thinking like this, but to me, groups in whatsapp are insincere and the notifications are irritating.(Unless you turned it off, then the question will be "what's the point of having groups then?")
Initially(probably when I first bought my iPhone) I was alright with whatsapp, but there were so many times when I asked a question in a group, no body bother to reply. (Which I assume, according to what I've learned in psychology, the effect of the mass. ->The experiment was conducted to test how individual respond to an event when he/she knew there were other people(the mass) who had the same knowledge of the event as well.) Since everyone saw the message and thought someone will reply it, no one bothered to reply in the end. After a while, this made me stop replying to all the mass whatsapp as well. (Chao Chung will know this, I told him unless it is a question directly straight to me, I won't reply the messages.) And I don't get any questions directed to me in these groups, so seriously, what's the point? I still prefer the good old sms, not because it is free, but I feel that it is more personal and sincere. That being said, I don't get any much sms as well. There were days I didn't check my phone for a few days. Got one NTU confessions post said "What's the point of having a phone if you don't reply sms?" Probably a person complaining about his other half. For me, it would be "What's the point of having a phone if I don't receive sms?" Lol.
I really glad that I've finally apologized to the person I wanted to face-to-face. It really means a lot to me to be forgiven. I've been living in guilt, which was one reason why I didn't want to meet anyone.
Somehow the people around me don't seem to notice it anyway, which makes me think if I even exist in their eyes. When they need me, I exist. When I'm not needed, *poof I'm gone. I guess I'm not very good in making friends, or good friends at least. Not all of them are like that though. I think only my best friends and those in the ministry (cause they asked me why I didn't play for youth band) noticed.
Maybe I'm not an interesting person to talk to? Or maybe I'm not a friend-material? Or maybe they got their own group of friends already and they don't need an additional friend? Or maybe...
Maybe I should just stop thinking so much and take a chill pill. Relax, enjoy life.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Public self, private self
Have been reading the posts on NTU confessions lately and amid all the confessions, I came across one very interesting topic on public self and private self. The poster posted that she just got to know a guy for 1 week and she liked the guy. Somehow the guy also has mutual feelings for her and approached her. Now she is asking for advice on whether she should accept the guy? One person commented that she should get to know the person more. Whatever she is seeing now is his public self, the self he displays to everyone else to see. His private self is his real self, when he shows his true personality, usually with the people he knows very well. Conflicts in relationship usually happens because the couple didn't get to know each other well enough and when one party saw how contradicting his private self is from his public self, he/she gets disappointed and wondered why he/she got into a relationship with that person in the first place.
Now speaking from a personal point of view on my life, initially there was a huge contrast between my public and private self few weeks ago. But gradually, I'm getting better now. In fact, I didn't feel miserable at all during CNY, which I thought I would dread going meeting all my relatives cause they will ask all those awkward questions that I'm trying very much to avoid. Thankfully, no one asked me anything about relationship this year and I'm really glad that I've finally 2 cousins that I can talked to about university life, cause they just got into NTU and NUS. It has been a while since I've talked about uni life to anyone.(or even talked at all. Been pretty much closed-up the past few weeks) I don't know anyone close enough in uni that I can talk with, and there isn't much uni students in my group of friends. Sometimes I feel that I'm aging faster than I'm suppose to be. It's too fast, I can't believe that I'm already 22 this year.
I was thinking about happiness while I was showering earlier. What does it mean to be happy? Is happiness just an emotion, which is very temporal and it comes and goes? Or is it something that lasts quite long, not just an emotion but a psychological state? Cause if it's just an emotion, then the phrase where the guy says to the girl "I want to give you happiness" is invalid already. But if happiness is substantial, why does one feel happy one moment and the next moment, all sad for no reason? Then I asked myself, if I'm happy right now? Not the emotional happiness, but the state of being happy. Learned the 7-point Likert's scale in my psychology class and I would say I'm 5/7 with regard to being in the state of happiness.
I'm happy that I'm still alive. I'm happy that I've got a house to live in, a family that loves me and cares for me. (Sometimes it hurts me even more because they are so close to me, yet they have no clue what is going on in my life. But being an introvert, I don't really want to tell them unless they ask me.) I'm happy that I can study in a university. I'm happy that I have a God who loves me, no matter what happens to me.
Of course there are lots of things that I'm sad about as well, but I guess after what I've gone through this past few weeks, I've realized that happiness isn't just an emotion or psychological state, it is a choice. You can go through hell and still choose to be happy. Albeit difficult, but it's doable. This one question that has been going through my mind is "Why are you torturing yourself being depressed for? What do you stand to gain?" Like nothing. I've learned not to take happiness for granted.
Of course I won't be like 24/7 happy because doing so will undermine the value and meaning of happiness.
I saw this poem online.
Now speaking from a personal point of view on my life, initially there was a huge contrast between my public and private self few weeks ago. But gradually, I'm getting better now. In fact, I didn't feel miserable at all during CNY, which I thought I would dread going meeting all my relatives cause they will ask all those awkward questions that I'm trying very much to avoid. Thankfully, no one asked me anything about relationship this year and I'm really glad that I've finally 2 cousins that I can talked to about university life, cause they just got into NTU and NUS. It has been a while since I've talked about uni life to anyone.(or even talked at all. Been pretty much closed-up the past few weeks) I don't know anyone close enough in uni that I can talk with, and there isn't much uni students in my group of friends. Sometimes I feel that I'm aging faster than I'm suppose to be. It's too fast, I can't believe that I'm already 22 this year.
I was thinking about happiness while I was showering earlier. What does it mean to be happy? Is happiness just an emotion, which is very temporal and it comes and goes? Or is it something that lasts quite long, not just an emotion but a psychological state? Cause if it's just an emotion, then the phrase where the guy says to the girl "I want to give you happiness" is invalid already. But if happiness is substantial, why does one feel happy one moment and the next moment, all sad for no reason? Then I asked myself, if I'm happy right now? Not the emotional happiness, but the state of being happy. Learned the 7-point Likert's scale in my psychology class and I would say I'm 5/7 with regard to being in the state of happiness.
I'm happy that I'm still alive. I'm happy that I've got a house to live in, a family that loves me and cares for me. (Sometimes it hurts me even more because they are so close to me, yet they have no clue what is going on in my life. But being an introvert, I don't really want to tell them unless they ask me.) I'm happy that I can study in a university. I'm happy that I have a God who loves me, no matter what happens to me.
Of course there are lots of things that I'm sad about as well, but I guess after what I've gone through this past few weeks, I've realized that happiness isn't just an emotion or psychological state, it is a choice. You can go through hell and still choose to be happy. Albeit difficult, but it's doable. This one question that has been going through my mind is "Why are you torturing yourself being depressed for? What do you stand to gain?" Like nothing. I've learned not to take happiness for granted.
Of course I won't be like 24/7 happy because doing so will undermine the value and meaning of happiness.
I saw this poem online.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Goodbye.”
- – - written by Bob Perks, P.O. Box 1702, Shavertown, PA 18708-1702, USA
Enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. Enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. These words made me felt goosebumps when I read them.
I can't agree more.
What doesn't kill you make you stronger. In commando, they taught and train us to endure pain until pain becomes nothing. I believe that I can train myself to endure heartbreaks until it becomes nothing at all. Probably I haven't got enough rejections in my life, so I'm still pretty weak now. After a few more rejections, I guess it will have no effect on me.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Some time alone
Yesterday night, my younger brother called me a hypocrite when I scolded him for disobeying my mother. I stood there stunned, and for the first time, i couldn't argue back with him. Because i really feel like the greatest hypocrite inside. I haven't told my parents or anyone at home what i'm going through and i'm feel so bad having to pretend and fake my facial expressions at home. Even at home, i have to pretend. It really sucks.
Even in school, i'm not spared either. Whenever my friends talk about relationships, i really feel like sticking a masking tape over their mouth. The last word I want to hear now is "relationship". But that will be so selfish of me, cause they are innocent and they have all the freedom to say whatever they want. The problem lies with me. Even worse, i have to fake a laughter when they say a joke and the feeling is really like...crap. I wish I can stay at home and study instead.
I wish I can go to a place where no one recognise me, so I don't have to pretend anymore. I want to start afresh.
If there was a restart button in life, i would have pressed it already.
I hate being asked the question"why?", especially when I said i can't go for something. Just cancelled a few appointments with some people cause i'm really not in a mood to meet anyone. Some will ask "why?" which I don't really want to reply. I actually prefer those group of people who don't ask any questions. Cause it's pretty obvious if I can't make it and I don't say the reason, it means I don't want to say it, right.
I think at this point, i really need some time to be alone. Some time of my own to do some soul-searching.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
With sincere apologies
I think it must have been a crazy roller coaster for me and for those involved, be it 3rd parties or not.
I just want to say sorry, like really really sorry (trying my best to emphasize this). Even though I know sorry isn't suffice, it's the only and best thing I can do now. To not say sorry at all will be the worst.
In a moment's folly, I actually allowed my feelings to override me. I did silly things and as much as I tried to contain its damages, what's done cannot be undone. I brought all these upon myself.
Sorry.
I just want to say sorry, like really really sorry (trying my best to emphasize this). Even though I know sorry isn't suffice, it's the only and best thing I can do now. To not say sorry at all will be the worst.
In a moment's folly, I actually allowed my feelings to override me. I did silly things and as much as I tried to contain its damages, what's done cannot be undone. I brought all these upon myself.
Sorry.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Dream come true~
After 7 years of waiting and pursuing my dream, finally on 12/01/13, I've achieved my dream of playing for main service on stage!
Can't exactly remember the day or month I once conceived this dream, but I knew it happened when I was in Secondary 3. Remembered that day, Pst.Kong was preaching about our calling and destiny in life and that day I went back home to pray and ask God for my calling and I can still remember the vision of seeing myself playing keyboard on stage in front of thousands of people.
Was reading my archive and I can't believe I'm a math student, yet I can't figure out if I'm secondary 3 or 4 in 2007, lol. So I came up with the following:
Year Age Remarks
1991 0 Toddler
1992 1 Toddler
1993 2 Toddler
1994 3 Toddler
1995 4 Nursery
1996 5 Kindergarten 1
1997 6 Kindergarten 2
1998 7 Primary 1
1999 8 Primary 2
2000 9 Primary 3
2001 10 Primary 4
2002 11 Primary 5
2003 12 Primary 6
2004 13 Sec 1
2005 14 Sec 2
2006 15 Sec 3
2007 16 Sec 4
2008 17 JC1
2009 18 JC2
2010 19 Army yr1
2011 20 Army yr2
2012 21 Uni yr1 sem1
2013 22 Uni yr1 sem2-yr2 sem1
All age are counted after my birthday. So I'm secondary 4 in 2007. And I had my dream in 2006.
Comparing to some characters in the bible, 7 years is considered quite fast already, haha. Adam had to wait 25 years for a son. I won't say these 7 years of waiting was unbearably long, but I can't imagine 25 years...Must have been reeeaaaalllllyyyy long!
Now I'm an extremely happy and fulfilled man, and I'm living in my dream! Don't mind doing this for the rest of my life. But of course, now that one dream has been fulfilled, it's time to fulfill another dream. And this time, it's gonna be even bigger.
My next dream:
To do missions around the world playing the keyboard and helping out in the mission teams!
Can't exactly remember the day or month I once conceived this dream, but I knew it happened when I was in Secondary 3. Remembered that day, Pst.Kong was preaching about our calling and destiny in life and that day I went back home to pray and ask God for my calling and I can still remember the vision of seeing myself playing keyboard on stage in front of thousands of people.
Was reading my archive and I can't believe I'm a math student, yet I can't figure out if I'm secondary 3 or 4 in 2007, lol. So I came up with the following:
Year Age Remarks
1991 0 Toddler
1992 1 Toddler
1993 2 Toddler
1994 3 Toddler
1995 4 Nursery
1996 5 Kindergarten 1
1997 6 Kindergarten 2
1998 7 Primary 1
1999 8 Primary 2
2000 9 Primary 3
2001 10 Primary 4
2002 11 Primary 5
2003 12 Primary 6
2004 13 Sec 1
2005 14 Sec 2
2006 15 Sec 3
2007 16 Sec 4
2008 17 JC1
2009 18 JC2
2010 19 Army yr1
2011 20 Army yr2
2012 21 Uni yr1 sem1
2013 22 Uni yr1 sem2-yr2 sem1
All age are counted after my birthday. So I'm secondary 4 in 2007. And I had my dream in 2006.
Comparing to some characters in the bible, 7 years is considered quite fast already, haha. Adam had to wait 25 years for a son. I won't say these 7 years of waiting was unbearably long, but I can't imagine 25 years...Must have been reeeaaaalllllyyyy long!
Now I'm an extremely happy and fulfilled man, and I'm living in my dream! Don't mind doing this for the rest of my life. But of course, now that one dream has been fulfilled, it's time to fulfill another dream. And this time, it's gonna be even bigger.
My next dream:
To do missions around the world playing the keyboard and helping out in the mission teams!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Forget the past...
Blessed by this week serving at Jams church, cause Santhi preached a really good sermon about forgetting our past in 2012 or even way before that as we enter into the new year and remember the good that we have experienced. Even though the message was simple, God's word always have truth in it no matter the deliverance and knowing the truth will set you free.
In my whole life, the hardest part of my past to forget will definitely be the phase when I got rejected 2 and a half year ago and entering into a state of depression after that. Since last year till now, many people have been asking me to find a girlfriend and I will give 101 different answers to different people because they don't know what I've gone through. Only those who knew understood my real reason, and that is my fear of liking someone again. Because I don't want to go through that state of depression again. I used to be cynical at people spending hours crying buckets of tears after they get rejected prior to my rejection because I would think it is silly and I will never do something like it.
It was only after I experienced it and those days...I would remember just lying on my bed, close the door and just cry for like 2-3 hours. Not continuously though (watched too much TV that time and TV usually show the people crying continuously) Just cry and stop, and cry and stop, and repeat again.
I will tell my closest friends that I'll never like another girl again until she likes me first. It was till the point I rather remain single my whole life that to face another rejection. That's the extent of how much I don't want to get rejected again.
Ever since that rejection, my self esteem plummeted to rock bottom and I have zero expectation of anyone liking me. I will think to myself, "22 years of my life and no one liked me before, this means there must be something bad about me. I must be not good looking enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, character not good enough, etc."
In my whole life, the hardest part of my past to forget will definitely be the phase when I got rejected 2 and a half year ago and entering into a state of depression after that. Since last year till now, many people have been asking me to find a girlfriend and I will give 101 different answers to different people because they don't know what I've gone through. Only those who knew understood my real reason, and that is my fear of liking someone again. Because I don't want to go through that state of depression again. I used to be cynical at people spending hours crying buckets of tears after they get rejected prior to my rejection because I would think it is silly and I will never do something like it.
It was only after I experienced it and those days...I would remember just lying on my bed, close the door and just cry for like 2-3 hours. Not continuously though (watched too much TV that time and TV usually show the people crying continuously) Just cry and stop, and cry and stop, and repeat again.
I will tell my closest friends that I'll never like another girl again until she likes me first. It was till the point I rather remain single my whole life that to face another rejection. That's the extent of how much I don't want to get rejected again.
Ever since that rejection, my self esteem plummeted to rock bottom and I have zero expectation of anyone liking me. I will think to myself, "22 years of my life and no one liked me before, this means there must be something bad about me. I must be not good looking enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, character not good enough, etc."
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Ushering in the new year
Wanted to blog for quite a while but have been busy lately due to work and after-work activities. As my work requires me to wake up at 6am and I usually blog late at night (and long posts), I didn't have the mood to blog as well. Today is an exception though, cause I'm just going to write a short post.
I'm really happy that 2012 has passed cause it has been a tough year with the most transitions in my life yet, but thank God I'm still alive and I survived the 'apocalypse', hahah!!
Looking forward to greater things in 2013, have already wrote down my resolutions in my phone and I hope that there wouldn't be any major transitions in my life for this year till I graduate in 2016.
Got back my results for sem 1 and I've got a GPA of 3.16/5.00. Quite disappointed with myself cause I was aiming for 4.0 and above. Was very afraid my parents will be angry and disappointed with me as well but surprisingly, they encouraged me and told me that as long as I passed it was good already, and told me to work harder for the next sem. I was quite shocked (but they didn't seem to realise it lol!) when they said that, cause they had high expectations for me at the start. Anyway I'm really glad to have their encouragement instead of their scolding.
I'm going to work harder the next sem and this time, need to aim for 4.5 and above in order to pull up my average GPA.
Even though God didn't answer my prayer for getting 4.0 and above, I'm still grateful for him for this score, because I know that He is sovereign and just like Lazarus who has been dead for 4 days and Jesus resurrected him, I know God is able to do a miracle for my remaining days in Uni.
Was thinking of what my jams ministry leader spoke to me about today: "What do you do with all your achievement in life? After you have accomplished everything, what does it lead you to? I've realized that having a lot of achievements in life doesn't give you true joy. Quoting from the movie Les Miserable, 'to love another person is to see the face of God.' True joy comes from serving and loving one another."
It really spoke to me deeply that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I get a 1st class degree or not, if I can drive a nice car, stay in a bungalow, etc. What I really want is to see the world change for the better. Of course I'm gonna study hard to get a 1st class degree, because it is a means to the end. Having a high paying job will definitely be better, cause I'll have more than enough to give to others.
Oh gosh I think I crossed the boundary, the post is slightly long already. Will be sleeping soon and I don't usually say this:
To whoever that is faithfully reading my blog, thanks for being interested in my life and wanting to get to know me more. :)
I'm really happy that 2012 has passed cause it has been a tough year with the most transitions in my life yet, but thank God I'm still alive and I survived the 'apocalypse', hahah!!
Looking forward to greater things in 2013, have already wrote down my resolutions in my phone and I hope that there wouldn't be any major transitions in my life for this year till I graduate in 2016.
Got back my results for sem 1 and I've got a GPA of 3.16/5.00. Quite disappointed with myself cause I was aiming for 4.0 and above. Was very afraid my parents will be angry and disappointed with me as well but surprisingly, they encouraged me and told me that as long as I passed it was good already, and told me to work harder for the next sem. I was quite shocked (but they didn't seem to realise it lol!) when they said that, cause they had high expectations for me at the start. Anyway I'm really glad to have their encouragement instead of their scolding.
I'm going to work harder the next sem and this time, need to aim for 4.5 and above in order to pull up my average GPA.
Even though God didn't answer my prayer for getting 4.0 and above, I'm still grateful for him for this score, because I know that He is sovereign and just like Lazarus who has been dead for 4 days and Jesus resurrected him, I know God is able to do a miracle for my remaining days in Uni.
Was thinking of what my jams ministry leader spoke to me about today: "What do you do with all your achievement in life? After you have accomplished everything, what does it lead you to? I've realized that having a lot of achievements in life doesn't give you true joy. Quoting from the movie Les Miserable, 'to love another person is to see the face of God.' True joy comes from serving and loving one another."
It really spoke to me deeply that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I get a 1st class degree or not, if I can drive a nice car, stay in a bungalow, etc. What I really want is to see the world change for the better. Of course I'm gonna study hard to get a 1st class degree, because it is a means to the end. Having a high paying job will definitely be better, cause I'll have more than enough to give to others.
Oh gosh I think I crossed the boundary, the post is slightly long already. Will be sleeping soon and I don't usually say this:
To whoever that is faithfully reading my blog, thanks for being interested in my life and wanting to get to know me more. :)
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