Public self, private self

Have been reading the posts on NTU confessions lately and amid all the confessions, I came across one very interesting topic on public self and private self. The poster posted that she just got to know a guy for 1 week and she liked the guy. Somehow the guy also has mutual feelings for her and approached her. Now she is asking for advice on whether she should accept the guy? One person commented that she should get to know the person more. Whatever she is seeing now is his public self, the self he displays to everyone else to see. His private self is his real self, when he shows his true personality, usually with the people he knows very well. Conflicts in relationship usually happens because the couple didn't get to know each other well enough and when one party saw how contradicting his private self is from his public self, he/she gets disappointed and wondered why he/she got into a relationship with that person in the first place.

Now speaking from a personal point of view on my life, initially there was a huge contrast between my public and private self few weeks ago. But gradually, I'm getting better now. In fact, I didn't feel miserable at all during CNY, which I thought I would dread going meeting all my relatives cause they will ask all those awkward questions that I'm trying very much to avoid. Thankfully, no one asked me anything about relationship this year and I'm really glad that I've finally 2 cousins that I can talked to about university life, cause they just got into NTU and NUS. It has been a while since I've talked about uni life to anyone.(or even talked at all. Been pretty much closed-up the past few weeks) I don't know anyone close enough in uni that I can talk with, and there isn't much uni students in my group of friends. Sometimes I feel that I'm aging faster than I'm suppose to be. It's too fast, I can't believe that I'm already 22 this year.

I was thinking about happiness while I was showering earlier. What does it mean to be happy? Is happiness just an emotion, which is very temporal and it comes and goes? Or is it something that lasts quite long, not just an emotion but a psychological state? Cause if it's just an emotion, then the phrase where the guy says to the girl "I want to give you happiness" is invalid already. But if happiness is substantial, why does one feel happy one moment and the next moment, all sad for no reason? Then I asked myself, if I'm happy right now? Not the emotional happiness, but the state of being happy. Learned the 7-point Likert's scale in my psychology class and I would say I'm 5/7 with regard to being in the state of happiness.

I'm happy that I'm still alive. I'm happy that I've got a house to live in, a family that loves me and cares for me. (Sometimes it hurts me even more because they are so close to me, yet they have no clue what is going on in my life. But being an introvert, I don't really want to tell them unless they ask me.) I'm happy that I can study in a university. I'm happy that I have a God who loves me, no matter what happens to me.

Of course there are lots of things that I'm sad about as well, but I guess after what I've gone through this past few weeks, I've realized that happiness isn't just an emotion or psychological state, it is a choice. You can go through hell and still choose to be happy. Albeit difficult, but it's doable. This one question that has been going through my mind is "Why are you torturing yourself being depressed for? What do you stand to gain?" Like nothing. I've learned not to take happiness for granted.
Of course I won't be like 24/7 happy because doing so will undermine the value and meaning of happiness.

I saw this poem online.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Goodbye.”

- – - written by Bob Perks, P.O. Box 1702, Shavertown, PA 18708-1702, USA

Enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. Enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. These words made me felt goosebumps when I read them. 

I can't agree more.

What doesn't kill you make you stronger. In commando, they taught and train us to endure pain until pain becomes nothing. I believe that I can train myself to endure heartbreaks until it becomes nothing at all. Probably I haven't got enough rejections in my life, so I'm still pretty weak now. After a few more rejections, I guess it will have no effect on me.