Thoughts and all

Sometimes I wonder why do I have so many thoughts in my head. And how tiring it is to be processing so many unnecessary thoughts in mind. But I found comfort, in the form of Xin Ying, as one day we went out to have dinner and I kept noticing her being in deep thoughts most of the time, exactly like me. So I asked her, "It seems like you also have a lot of thoughts going through your mind. How does it feel like?" In which she said exactly what I was feeling too - tiring. But we both can't help it sometimes, it is sort of wired in our brain to do it.

I could have thoughts about almost everything in life, and for almost every action that I take, like should I have done that? What if I have done something else, cause every single decision you make will lead to another path. And from that another path, it will lead to another path, and another path and another path and so on. So many different paths that you can take with one, just one decision. I do reflections on my actions almost everyday, considering all the other different possibilities that might have happened if I were to take some other alternative actions. I could say that I dwell a lot on the past. But not so much for my future.

I used to believe in having dreams, and stuff like that, but now I guess life is just too unpredictable and somehow, I lost all passion in the future. Nothing much to look forward to anyway. The only thing I'm looking forward to is my death, so that I can finally depart from this world full of hurts and sufferings and go to heaven.

I know I used to be a good guy back then, as Edwin told me when he was counseling me last time. But I realized that I have been taken for granted all these while. I'm totally conscious of what I'm doing now, unlike the state when I was in depression and my mind was in a blank. Perhaps I really was too nice and good a person back then, my goodness was taken for granted.

It's true that when something is in abundance, people tend to take it for granted. Like how kids from rich families take money for granted. I've decided not to be Mr.Nice guy and just be plain normal. I don't want to swing to the extreme and be Mr.Bad guy, which obviously I can as there are some people in my blacklist that I can't wait to blast at the slightest opportunity, which I almost did when I was in my depression period. I'm no longer the gullible and innocent me.

I think I'm going to change. I don't want to be nice to everyone anymore. And I don't have to, because I don't need to seek the approval and acceptance of everyone. Shall be nice selectively, by adopting the 'If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you' principle. In fact, I think almost every human adopts this principle anyway. They definitely treat their best friend different from normal friends or acquittance.

Recess week

It is finally recess week. I still remembered during this period for the last semester, I was struggling with my studies and it had snowballed till the point I was lacking behind around 3 weeks. But that was because I had a lot of other commitments at that time. This time round isn't so bad, I'm not really lacking behind, have been consistently in my studies but the difficulty level for each module is increasing as I progress in Uni life and certain things take me like forever to understand. (Especially 'pointers', 'arrays' and 'data structures' for C programming).

I often get envious when I compare myself to those scholars from overseas, when they are able to solve a question in couple of minutes and I'm stuck for a few days. Even though I don't show it outside, but I will be thinking in my mind, "How come they so smart? It's not fair." Of course I've learned long time ago the world isn't fair. I heard someone said this before, "God isn't a fair God; but He is a just God. If God was fair, he would have made everyone equal. Same looks, same color of skin, same intelligence, etc. There wouldn't be anything unique about an individual anymore." So I shouldn't complain, but still...it is part of being human to complain.

That being said, I often tell my parents that not everyone is born to be a scholar. Some are better at other things. I thought they finally understood that during a conversation months ago but recently, they kept lecturing me about my studies again, which I will patiently listen cause I don't want to disrespect them. But at the same time, I will give the "I already said what I wanted to said but you don't want to listen, what can I do? I'm 22 years old already, give me a chance to walk my old path. If I fail, then let me learn from my mistakes on my own" look. And they never seem to get that hint on my face.

I kind of miss those encouragements from various people in the past, especially during my SOT days. Perhaps I have taken them for granted back then, and now when the encouragements are scarce, I start to miss them.

My dad just taught to me about my phone bills a few days ago(so random) and commented that in the past, my sms and phone usage will always exceed the limit and he has to pay extra money, which I will explain that I've got conference call with CG and need to sms CG stuff. Then now, he said my usage is like so little compared to last time. Thing is, people are using whatsapp. And no offense to the creator of whatsapp, but I just hate it sometimes. I don't know if I'm the only one thinking like this, but to me, groups in whatsapp are insincere and the notifications are irritating.(Unless you turned it off, then the question will be "what's the point of having groups then?")

Initially(probably when I first bought my iPhone) I was alright with whatsapp, but there were so many times when I asked a question in a group, no body bother to reply. (Which I assume, according to what I've learned in psychology, the effect of the mass. ->The experiment was conducted to test how individual respond to an event when he/she knew there were other people(the mass) who had the same knowledge of the event as well.) Since everyone saw the message and thought someone will reply it, no one bothered to reply in the end. After a while, this made me stop replying to all the mass whatsapp as well. (Chao Chung will know this, I told him unless it is a question directly straight to me, I won't reply the messages.) And I don't get any questions directed to me in these groups, so seriously, what's the point? I still prefer the good old sms, not because it is free, but I feel that it is more personal and sincere. That being said, I don't get any much sms as well. There were days I didn't check my phone for a few days. Got one NTU confessions post said "What's the point of having a phone if you don't reply sms?" Probably a person complaining about his other half. For me, it would be "What's the point of having a phone if I don't receive sms?" Lol.

I really glad that I've finally apologized to the person I wanted to face-to-face. It really means a lot to me to be forgiven. I've been living in guilt, which was one reason why I didn't want to meet anyone.
Somehow the people around me don't seem to notice it anyway, which makes me think if I even exist in their eyes. When they need me, I exist. When I'm not needed, *poof I'm gone. I guess I'm not very good in making friends, or good friends at least. Not all of them are like that though. I think only my best friends and those in the ministry (cause they asked me why I didn't play for youth band) noticed.

Maybe I'm not an interesting person to talk to? Or maybe I'm not a friend-material? Or maybe they got their own group of friends already and they don't need an additional friend? Or maybe...

Maybe I should just stop thinking so much and take a chill pill. Relax, enjoy life.