Sometimes I wonder why do I have so many thoughts in my head. And how tiring it is to be processing so many unnecessary thoughts in mind. But I found comfort, in the form of Xin Ying, as one day we went out to have dinner and I kept noticing her being in deep thoughts most of the time, exactly like me. So I asked her, "It seems like you also have a lot of thoughts going through your mind. How does it feel like?" In which she said exactly what I was feeling too - tiring. But we both can't help it sometimes, it is sort of wired in our brain to do it.
I could have thoughts about almost everything in life, and for almost every action that I take, like should I have done that? What if I have done something else, cause every single decision you make will lead to another path. And from that another path, it will lead to another path, and another path and another path and so on. So many different paths that you can take with one, just one decision. I do reflections on my actions almost everyday, considering all the other different possibilities that might have happened if I were to take some other alternative actions. I could say that I dwell a lot on the past. But not so much for my future.
I used to believe in having dreams, and stuff like that, but now I guess life is just too unpredictable and somehow, I lost all passion in the future. Nothing much to look forward to anyway. The only thing I'm looking forward to is my death, so that I can finally depart from this world full of hurts and sufferings and go to heaven.
I know I used to be a good guy back then, as Edwin told me when he was counseling me last time. But I realized that I have been taken for granted all these while. I'm totally conscious of what I'm doing now, unlike the state when I was in depression and my mind was in a blank. Perhaps I really was too nice and good a person back then, my goodness was taken for granted.
It's true that when something is in abundance, people tend to take it for granted. Like how kids from rich families take money for granted. I've decided not to be Mr.Nice guy and just be plain normal. I don't want to swing to the extreme and be Mr.Bad guy, which obviously I can as there are some people in my blacklist that I can't wait to blast at the slightest opportunity, which I almost did when I was in my depression period. I'm no longer the gullible and innocent me.
I think I'm going to change. I don't want to be nice to everyone anymore. And I don't have to, because I don't need to seek the approval and acceptance of everyone. Shall be nice selectively, by adopting the 'If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you' principle. In fact, I think almost every human adopts this principle anyway. They definitely treat their best friend different from normal friends or acquittance.
