5 more days to my 1st final term papers, time truly is ticking. I doubt I will be able to finish studying everything in my course but it will be absurd to think that everything will be tested in the exams anyway. Sometimes I wonder if exams really test how intelligent/hard-working a person is, because there is a probability factor in exams too. Like the probability of how a part of the study material might come out for an exam and not another part. So I'm really hoping that whatever that I have studied for, will come out for the exams and I pray my memory retrieving skills will be efficient enough.
I can't wait for holidays to start. I can't wait for next year's summer break, even though I know that is like next year May. Just looking forward to going Japan again, whether via internship program or with my father again. I know I'm still crazy about Japan, but seeing the life that I'm having (or going to have in the future, with the prices of everything increasing), there is no reason why I don't want to migrate to Japan if there is a chance. I think it's probably easier to find a wife there as well, considering how high the standards Singaporean girls have. I'm just glad that people are not matchmaking/prompting/stirring me with girls anymore; most of them kinda know that I want to find a Japanese wife hahah! I really dislike people doing stuff like that to me.
Cause I'm quite convinced, after getting rejected more than 10 times (Yup I did a count, first rejection was in primary 4), I'm not the type of guy that Singaporean girls are looking for. Gonna try my chance in Japan. So there is no point in matchmaking me as well, cause I probably won't take any action at all. And the girl would probably feel awkward and avoid me. In fact, I get kinda irritated when people do so, especially when I meet new people in school or workplace or church or anywhere, after introduction, the person will say "Btw, Gary is still single and available." I'll usually remain silent after that, or try to change the topic.
It's not that I don't want to get attached, just that I guess I'm not the relationship-kind of person. Frankly, relationships puzzles and bewilders me. I know the kingdom of God is a kingdom of relationship but still, I've got problem with relating to people. Not just with liking someone, probably socially. I'm not the kind of person that will actively go and make friends, in fact, my mindset is that the lesser friends I have, the easier to manage my friendships. I treasure having closer friends, than having numerous amount of friends. Unlike some people who have a lot of friends, but don't know how to treasure their close friends well.
I doubt I will ever be ready for a relationship, but sometimes I do wonder if I have the gift of celibacy too. It seems that God is protecting me from having relationships, because He knows my weaknesses. I did struggle with this thought in the past, probably 4-5 years ago, cause I think it will be really lonely to be single all your life. But after all these years, I'm starting to think it's actually not so bad. It's a good thing I'm a workaholic, so I'll be able to combat loneliness by consuming myself with work. And I'm getting used to being single as well, have never been so happy being single in fact! All those years that I spent, whenever I like someone, was actually quite painful, lol. Not having to like anyone is like freedom.
There are so many more things that I want to do compared to getting into a relationship, and it would be easier to do them being single than attached. So, for now I'm just gonna pursue my dreams!
There are many paths to the same destination or dream. When one path closes, just look for another open path. I won't give up.
Maybe when the right time comes, the right one will come. But I'm closing that window after 30 years old. Unless some miracle happens.
