Blessed by this week serving at Jams church, cause Santhi preached a really good sermon about forgetting our past in 2012 or even way before that as we enter into the new year and remember the good that we have experienced. Even though the message was simple, God's word always have truth in it no matter the deliverance and knowing the truth will set you free.
In my whole life, the hardest part of my past to forget will definitely be the phase when I got rejected 2 and a half year ago and entering into a state of depression after that. Since last year till now, many people have been asking me to find a girlfriend and I will give 101 different answers to different people because they don't know what I've gone through. Only those who knew understood my real reason, and that is my fear of liking someone again. Because I don't want to go through that state of depression again. I used to be cynical at people spending hours crying buckets of tears after they get rejected prior to my rejection because I would think it is silly and I will never do something like it.
It was only after I experienced it and those days...I would remember just lying on my bed, close the door and just cry for like 2-3 hours. Not continuously though (watched too much TV that time and TV usually show the people crying continuously) Just cry and stop, and cry and stop, and repeat again.
I will tell my closest friends that I'll never like another girl again until she likes me first. It was till the point I rather remain single my whole life that to face another rejection. That's the extent of how much I don't want to get rejected again.
Ever since that rejection, my self esteem plummeted to rock bottom and I have zero expectation of anyone liking me. I will think to myself, "22 years of my life and no one liked me before, this means there must be something bad about me. I must be not good looking enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, character not good enough, etc."
