Life goes on

My promos are finally over. I should be feeling happy now. I was. I reckon I would be.

Oh man, I shouldn't be feeling like this right now, but as a matter of fact, I am feeling sad right now. Short-lived happiness. Like the split second of our existence in comparison to nature. I'm sick of being happy...the happier I am, the more heartbroken I will be when I'm hurt. As the saying goes, the higher you climb, the harder you fall. So mathematical. Prove that this 'saying' is true. Hahahaha. Kickless. Easier than proving trigo equations and maclaurin's expansion.

This is just so emo, so unlike me. No doubt, promos are over, but lessons still go on. Still have to go school, still have to eat, still have to sleep, still have to, still have...to...Why isn't it a want to? The reason is self-explanatory. They are all just mundane routine. Even writing this post now has somewhat become one, but I'm going against all odds. Not going to let venting my frustration to be an obligation. Anyway it is justified-doing so is healthy for our emotional being. So I've no complains about that.

Today's Edwin actual birthday(I emphasized on actual as we celebrated his birthday last sunday.) Sang him a song, gave him a present-an ultraslim NKJV bible. There goes my one year savings, but it is all worth it. I am so broke now that I don't even have 1 cent on me. Not even in my money box. I told myself not to eat for the next 2 months, but realised it was impossible. Everyone was forcing me to eat during dinner, I just can't bear not to. Agony of peer-pressure. Pinde's birthday on 29, doubt I will be able to get him anything, not even a chocolate bar. T.T, sry Pinde...

Then my birthday on Oct 1. Haha, both my leaders' birthday so close to mine. They are sort of fated to be my leaders, lol. I doubt I will get anything I want this birthday. I mean, I don't even know what I want. I know what I want, but I wasn't sure it would be the one that I want. So ironic. Maybe God knows what I want. Ok, it is not a maybe, I'm positive about it. Not that this will help, but it uncannily made me feel happier, something that I myself would not be able to explain. Hey, since when did feeling happier get into the picture? I thought it was a taboo. Maybe I'm suffering from schizophrenia. A demented version of it. For better or worse.

Conclusion: I'm not smart, perhaps only exam-smart. I'm not sharp, not street-wise, doing only what is being told, like a robot. I know the source of it. My past, forbidden past. Just going to say a tiny part of it. In sec 1, I was bullied by my cca mate. It was so bad that it went to parental level. Anyway, to cut the story short, he once said to me. ''You so stupid, don't do anything la. The lesser you do, the lesser mistakes you will make. If you don't do anything, you wouldn't make a single mistake at all.'' Right, I believed in that 'philosophy' too, ignoring the part where I am stupid. Granted initiative was not a bonus, but compulsory at certain times. And I mean only rarely. But, when I try to help, do something that someone else didn't ask me to do, I became more of a hindrance than help. Or worse, my help was not reciprocated. I can list a few examples.

1. At Edwin's house, during a CG meeting, I wanted to help arrange the shoe box but the whole thing tumbled instead.

2. When at my friend's house doing project work, I wanted to help them get drinks but spilled the drinks on the floor instead.

3. During a camp in school, I wanted to help clear up some broken pieces of glass. In the end, I was chided by another student for blocking his path and making him step on the glasses.

That's enough...I think I'm on the brink of crying already, I can feel the tears. I hate memories sometimes. Haix......

So, what should I do? Should I help or not help? Haix. So lost, so confused. Dilemma. I know one thing for sure. Playing Dota would not make anyone scold me, cause anyone harm or disturb anyone's peace. At most, the harm was dealt to me, and that I can accept.

Ok, venting frustration session over, time for some Dota!!! =D

It will be over soon,

Astarmist